To Keep You, A Breast

Ok, Universe, I Get It.

2010-09-17T20:00:00.000-04:00

I've never believed in signs from the universe, but I'm starting to. Earlier this summer, this was one of the secrets on PostSecret:

Around that same time, a very unlikely person had some very unlikely things to say about my scars. I'm still not quite willing to embrace them, but I'm no longer ashamed of them. In fact, after what I am now confident was my final surgery two weeks ago, I'm happier with how they look than I have been in three years.

Then last night I started reading Little Bee by Chris Cleave and within the first ten pages I came across this:
"...and I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived."

To quote ee cummings, "Unbeing dead isn't being alive." It's taken me three years, but I finally get it. I've done things this summer that I haven't let myself do since cancer. But mostly, I've let myself have fun. I've let myself live. And it's only just beginning. So look out.

Pardon Our Dust While We Remodel

2010-08-31T21:16:00.000-04:00

When I get bored and restless, I come up with projects. The two projects I have scheduled for this week are relatively minor in the scheme of things, but somehow I don't think they'll satisfy the need for change that got me here.

Wednesday morning I'm having my fifth (and hopefully final) surgery. It's just a little "revision" to remove some of the nastier scarring from the infection and fluid drama after last year's exchange surgery. She'll also fix the left side that sort of flopped over. It should be a fairly easy surgery, just over an hour, and an 80% chance that I won't need a drain. Hopefully the worst part will be the early wake-up call to get to the hospital by 6:30. With no food or coffee. I'm sure that'll be the worst part for those around me.

Later this week I'm finally getting the living room and dining area painted. I say finally because for the past several months it has looked like an abstract art exhibit with six different paint colors in 11 different places while I tried to make a decision. It's given all of the painters that have come to give me a quote quite a chuckle. I'm glad it's amusing them, because their reactions to the two-story foyer and stairwell have given me some amusement as well. If I were a little (okay, a lot) less clumsy, I'd paint this room myself like I have all of the others. But the chances of me falling off of a ladder that high are, well, high.

Once I get some more furniture, you'll probably get to see a picture of the second remodeling project. The first is best not photographed.

Still Kickin'

2010-08-15T21:02:00.000-04:00

If you ask my grandfather how he's doing, he'll probably say "I still kickin'." Today is his 83rd birthday. And after 83 years, a World War, a career as a Virginia State Police Captain, three bouts of cancer and the shenanigans of three sons, I think "still kickin'" is a pretty good answer.

For Father's Day this year, I gave Granddaddy a book of questions and prompts so that he could record all of his stories and wisdom. The last time I saw him before we went to the beach, he showed me the progress he'd made and then pointed me to suitcase easily older than me that was so full of pictures it wouldn't close properly. He told me to pick out the ones I wanted to put in the book; I filled a shopping bag. Below are a couple of my favorites that were large enough to feed through the scanner. The coolest and oldest ones are so small (maybe 1" by 2"), so I'm going to have to invest in a flatbed scanner to capture them. It'll totally be worth it. Let's just say photography has come a long way.

Happy Birthday, Granddaddy!

The first two are of a young Herbert in the Navy during World War II. Some of my favorite stories, or the ones I've heard enough to recount in vivid detail, are from this time. Like how he "volunteered" to go ahead to the Isle of Capri, or how he used to pawn his watch to buy a train ticket home to see my grandmother for the weekend. He's on the left in the second picture.

Granddaddy playing baseball as a young man. How they made baseball cleats when they could only afford one pair of shoes is another of my favorite stories.

A very young Herbert and Hildegarde. I've got a bunch of these to scan. These are definitely my favorites.

And present-day Granddaddy and Jackson at the beach last week.

Three Weddings and a Dinosaur Birthday Party

2010-06-29T20:20:00.000-04:00

Since the end of April, life has been one big celebration.

There was Anne & Mike's wedding in Charleston,

Matt & Julie's wedding in New Orleans,

Jill & Fred's Wedding in Charlottesville,

And Jackson's third birthday party at Mimi's house.

I don't know if my body can handle that much fun packed into such a short period of time again, but I'm willing to try!

Oh, and my tumor marker scores came back today and they're down a few points from last time and still well within the normal range!

Hot Date

2010-06-26T18:59:00.000-04:00

On paper, this probably sounds like a crappy date. I had to pick him up, because he doesn’t have a car. He said he was going to pay for the movie, but when it came time for the tickets, he asked me for money, because he doesn’t have a job. After the movie, we went to eat. The waitress was so busy flirting with him, and he with her, that she got my order wrong. He ‘tooted’ at the table and thought it so hilarious he had to tell everyone about it. Then I had to take him home, because he still lives with his mother, and she said it was time for him to take a nap.

But I haven’t had such great luck with guys that look good on paper. And I know he meant it when he told me that he loved me.

Happy 3rd Birthday, Jackson! Aunt Lissy loves you, too.

Halfway House

2010-06-24T18:41:00.001-04:00

Today was my least favorite semi-annual day, the one where I schedule all of my doctor’s appointments and get all my bloodwork and stuff. I was so relieved when I was leaving the oncologist that I teared up a little bit in the elevator. I guess when you get on an elevator at the oncology floor and look teary, people think they should try to pray for you right there in the elevator. The very nice older gentleman didn’t seem to want to accept that they were tears of relief. I don’t stress about this day at all until it’s here, and then I work myself into a silent panic until the results all come back several days later.

I had an appointment with my surgeon this morning and she’s very pleased with the results of whatever she injected into my scars last time. I don’t know that I see any difference, but it made her happy, so I guess that’s something. I’ve been having some pretty significant pain in my chest; if it weren’t on the right side of my chest I would have thought I was having a heart attack. Last time I was in her office, I told her about it and she offered to send me out for scans or write me a prescription to reduce inflammation, which is what she felt it was. I did a fairly horrible job of actually taking the prescription like I was supposed to , so I got it refilled and tried again. The pain isn’t every day like it was, but it’s still there occassionally. We decided to skip the scans, mostly for my mental health; they just cause more anxiety than they’re worth. If the pain gets worse again, we’ll revisit, but she and my oncologist both seem to think it is just inflammation from all of the surgeries.

Speaking of surgeries, I’m going to have another one. Some of my reconstruction didn’t “take” exactly like it was supposed to and because of the infection and fluid that I had after my original surgery, there is a lot of nasty scarring that I could do without, so I’ve signed up for surgery #5. This one will be a very quick, one-hour procedure and I don’t think I’ll have to be under general, just sedation. Given my fluid issues in the past, there’s a possibility that I’ll have a drain for a couple of days again, but now that I know I can get a better result than I have, I’m eager to get it scheduled and over with. So that will be sometime in August or September and will just be an in-and-out procedure with no hospitalization.

After the surgeon I had my oncologist appointment. I think they purposefully assign me to new nurses as some sort of joke. They always panic when they take my blood pressure -- it’s freakishly low. I gave my required amount of blood (only 3 tubes today!) and then waited for Dr. S. The computer in my exam room was on, so I could see the results from the first blood tests come back before he was in the room. During chemo, if I had seen some of those numbers come back in bold red the way they did today, I would have run from the room in fear of that stupid “booster” shot, but now I just get a lecture of taking better care of myself. (Some of my counts were low, but I’ve been working hard and playing hard the past month, so it’s not a complete surprise)

When he came in the room, Dr. S congratulated me on making it past the halfway point. I’ll hit the three year mark on tamoxifen in September, with two more to go, and in the beginning I don’t think either of us thought I would last this long on it. I asked him what it meant to make it to the halfway mark, and he said it means I’m tolerating the medicine well (tolerating being the operative word) and that my chances of recurrence are lower every day. He did say that some people still recurr on the tamoxifen, but right now we’ve got no reason to think I’m going to be one of them. I told him I better not be, because I’m pretty in love with my life right now and while I’m getting a little restless for something big to happen, cancer is not it. He’s not offering me any guarantees, but thinks everything looks great. He gave me an Rx for another year of tamoxifen and sent me on my way.

As I was leaving the office, I heard him yelling my name for me to come back. That scared the crap out of me. He said he just noticed that I had lost 20 pounds since I was there last summer and wanted to say congratulations. That was pretty big coming from him, because we almost broke up over this topic a couple of visits ago. I was miserable on the medicine, he blamed it on my extra weight, the extra weight came from the medicine, it was a endless, no-win loop. But I worked my ass off, and he was genuinely happy for me. I’m within four pounds of my pre-diagnosis weight and I’ve signed up for a boot-camp that starts next month to help me get rid of that and get back to my college weight by the end of the year.

So tumor markers should be back next Wednesday. I’ll let you know when I hear from them!

Work Hard, Play Harder

2010-06-07T18:12:00.001-04:00

It's been a crazy few weeks of work, separated only by weekends packed with lots of friends and fun. Occasionally I even manage to work in a couple of hours of sleep. Jackson is not happy with the pace I'm keeping; every time I leave he asks if I'm going to work and if the answer is yes, he says "Aww, man!"

In the past few weeks I've turned 33, seen Brad Paisley in concert, attended every Memorial Day cookout within a 40 mile radius, taken in a Nats game, and completed my fourth Komen race as a survivor. Even though we had a smaller team this year, we still raised $4100, bringing our total to over $16K. Thanks to everyone that supported us!

The next few weeks won't be any less crazy than the past few. The Great Wedding Tour of 2010 resumes this weekend with a trip to New Orleans and then a side trip to Biloxi. Next weekend the tour stops in Charlottesville for wedding #3 and the following weekend Jackson turns 3! He's having a dinosaur party, but at last check he said I wasn't allowed to go. I guess that means no presents.

About this time three years ago, this picture was taken.

It's one of my favorite pictures for a bunch of reasons, but I'll spare you that explanation. So when this picture was taken a few weeks ago, I thought it made a great comparison.

A lot's changed in three years! Same sweater, different baby. And Jackson and I both have hair!

Can I Get A Little Help?

2010-05-08T19:14:00.001-04:00

I've been very busy lately and have needed lots of help around the house, so Jackson volunteered to help.

He helped me water the grass...

He helped me plant flowers...

He helped me bake cupcakes...

And he taught me how to play Twister!

Claire. The moment I met you, I swear.

2010-04-29T21:27:00.000-04:00

I felt as if something, somewhere,
had happened to me, which I couldn't see.
And then, the moment I met you, again.
I knew in my heart that we were friends.
It had to be so, it couldn't be no.
Oh Claire. Claire ...
-Gilbert O'Sullivan

It became pretty clear very early this morning that Baby Claire was not going to be a shy one. I got a wake up call from Josh at 5:40 this morning telling me it was time. Now. So I ran up the street to stay with Jackson. Josh and Kristen left the house at 5:50 and at 6:56, Claire Elaine made her grand entrance into the world. Claire weighed in at 8 lbs and 20 and 1/2 inches long. I'm sure that her mother will remind her more than once over the course of the next eighteen or so years that there was no time for an epidural.

Jackson has stepped right up to the role of big brother. We celebrated with some donuts before going to meet Baby Claire and Jackson immediately gave her a kiss and wanted to hold her. I asked him what he was going to tell his friends at school about Baby Claire and he said, "She came out." I guess that about sums it up. He wasn't a big fan of the nurses at the hospital; he told us that he was scared of nurses and T-Rexes, but riding the elevator was a big hit.

Here are a few pictures of my beautiful new niece.

The Year of 3

2010-04-18T16:39:00.000-04:00

For me, 2010 is the year of 3s. Earlier this year I was promoted to “3” at work; my 33rd birthday is just a few weeks away; and best of all, in February I reached the 3rd anniversary of my diagnosis with a clean bill of health.

I will celebrate this milestone by participating in the Susan G. Komen Global Race for the Cure® on the National Mall on June 5. Tens of thousands of people will gather to take a stand and prove that individuals have the power to change the world.

Without the cures, an estimated 25 million women around the world will be diagnosed with breast cancer – and 10 million could die over the next 25 years. That's why I'm joining the fight. I hope that you'll support me.

In keeping with this year’s theme of “3s,” I have three things I’d like to ask of you.
1- If you and your doctor have determined that mammography is appropriate for you because of your personal risk factors, including age and family history, look at your calendar now and see if it’s time to schedule that appointment. Until we have a cure, early detection allows for more treatment options and better odds of survival.

2- While you’re looking at your calendar, pencil in a reminder to do your monthly breast self exam (BSE).

(Guys, you can check items 1 and 2 off by reminding the women in your life.)

3- Consider donating to the Global Race for the Cure in support of Team Hoos for a Cure. In the past three years, we’ve raised $12,000 to help support Komen’s breast cancer research, screening, treatment and education programs. I know times are tough; if you are able to donate, any amount helps. Those $5 and $10 donations really do add up.

Every dollar makes a difference:
--$100 could be used to provide one mammogram
--$250 could be used to cover five clinical breast exams
--$500 could be used to provide five diagnostic ultrasounds
--$1000 could be used to provide 10 mammograms

Up to 75 percent of the Komen Global Race’s net income stays in the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area to fund local screening, treatment and education programs for the medically underserved. The remaining dollars support the Susan G. Komen for the Cure Global Promise Fund, a program which is dedicated to reaching underserved people in areas where breast cancer mortality rates are the highest.

To donate to Komen, please visit my personal race page.

April Absurdity

2010-04-11T18:55:00.000-04:00

April is making March's madness look tame. I know we're only about a week into the month, but it's been jam packed so far. My friend Anne is getting married in Charleston, SC at the end of April and the combination of a day off, a beach, and a beautiful bride is the light at the end of this tunnel.

I'm not sure I ever mentioned it here, but I earlier this year I got promoted at work. Thursday was my promotion dinner with the others on my team that also got promoted as well as the team leadership. It was a really nice evening and a wonderful celebration.

I wish I had been able to enjoy Thursday night a little more, but in reality I was stressing about Friday morning. Friday I took the Project Management Professional (PMP) exam. I've been studying for this for a while now, but the prospect of a four hour exam had me a little tightly wound all week. I even told Kristen that if she went into labor Thursday night, she was not allowed to tell me about it prior to my exam. Thankfully, I passed the exam. And didn't miss the birth of my niece, either. I am now a certified PMP. Hopefully with that behind me, I'll be able to start sleeping again.

Somewhere last week I found the time to be interviewed about my blog for bizymoms.com. You can read the interview here:

has recognized me as a

Top Blogger

Interview on

Fighting Breast Cancer

I suspect we'll be meeting Baby Claire in the next few days. I have provided her with a list of the meetings and events I'd really like to not have to attend, so hopefully she'll help Aunt Lissy out and time her arrival to coincide with at least one of them.

Send In The Clowns

2010-03-27T19:58:00.002-04:00

This morning Mimi, Bubba,(AKA my mom and dad) Josh, Kristen and I all tagged along with Jackson to see the Ringling Bros. Circus at the Patriot Center. Jackson has been talking about this for weeks, and I think we were all as excited as he was to see the circus.

I was near tears twice during the circus. At the very beginning, when the elephants and zebras first came in, the look of pure, innocent joy on Jackson's face was priceless. He's the thing that keeps me from becoming too jaded and cynical, and it is moments like that that keep me going. He definitely liked the animal acts more than the clowns or flying people and as intermission neared, he was definitely getting antsy for more animals, especially the tigers. He'd seen the Ringling Bros. commercial on television and every time we talked about the circus, he talked about the tigers.

Just before the second act, the announcer mentioned the tigers and after the elephants left, the stage crew finally brought out the tiger equipment. Then the floor manager started shaking his head "no" and made the cutting motion across his throat; the crew came back out and took all of the tiger equipment away. I have no idea what prevented the tigers from appearing. According to the Ringling Bros. Web site, there are 12 tigers that perform in this version of the circus. You'd think if one of them was having a bad day, they could still let the other 11 go on. And so they sent in the clowns while they tried to figure out what to do. What they did was skip to the final act and end the show.

And so I found myself near tears for the second time today, while Jackson's mommy tried to explain that the tigers weren't able to come out today because they were sick. Because how do you explain to a boy that's been talking about tigers for over a month that they're just not going to show up for us? I can't find anything online about a trainer being mauled or other tragedy that would prevent their appearance, so maybe the tigers just weren't feeling it today. On the way home, Jack woke up from his nap long enough to say "Mommy, I'm sad that the tigers had a tummy ache."

Also, I decided today that if this consulting thing doesn't work out for me, I'm going to get a circus concession. It's got to be more lucrative. $12 for cotton candy, $7 for stale popcorn, and $20+ for crazy light up things. And I know they sell a lot of the crazy light up things, because they've trained the hawkers to stop right in front of a kid and just stand there until the inevitable "I want one!" cries start. And at three shows a day in an arena that seats about 10,000, even half full, I'm sure there are enough parents that give in that it's worth it.

Make Me A Match, Find Me A Find, Catch Me A Catch

2010-03-21T18:57:00.001-04:00

Earlier this winter, in what I now see was a severe bout of cabin fever, I decided to give online dating another go. I'd halfheartedly done it in the past and though I remained unconvinced, I figured it was a better alternative than my current strategy for meeting people. Especially since (A) I had no strategy, (B) the social scene in Stephens City doesn't actually exist, and (C) I work in a windowless, concrete warehouse where I see precisely the same 23 people every day. So I answered more questions about myself than the government currently requires for a security clearance, wrote what I think is a pretty witty profile and posted the most gorgeous pictures of me currently in circulation. And later that evening I received my first matches, those lucky few that were sure to be my perfect mate.

So where has all of this gotten me? $19.95 a month poorer, but that's about it. I'm not complaining, it really is the most entertaining twenty bucks I've spent in a long time. I've had a couple of entertaining exchanges online, but no actual dates. And part of that is because I'm really picky. But part of it is because there are some real geniuses out there on the Internet. So I'd like to offer a few tips to guys writing their online dating profiles, based on some of the highlights that have appeared in my inbox and provided me with lots of head scratching laughter.

Fill out your profile. I'm sure you're a great guy, but if you don't post a picture and only fill out your name, height and age, I'm going to close your profile right away. You're spending money on this, too, so you might as well put a little effort into it.
Don't answer the question "Occupation" with the answer "Professional." If you're getting paid for it, you're a professional something, so try throwing another noun or two in there. Professional sanitation engineer is a fine vocation, in fact, I'd worry about anyone that did it on a volunteer basis. Help a girl out and tell her a little bit about how you spend a third of your time.
Photos. A postage stamp sized photo of you wearing a hat and sunglasses while standing in the shadow of a lovely sunset does little beyond confirm that you are relatively human-shaped. If you're going to put a group shot up, at least put up an individual shot or a caption so I can tell which of the 17 people in the picture wrote this profile. Also, if you're going to pass off pictures of someone else, make sure you use the same someone else in all four of your pictures.
Use spell check. Especially if the one thing you say you'd wish more people would notice about you is how smart you are. Don't brag about the fact that you're a really bad speller; by the time I got to that part of your profile, I'd already figured that out and was only still reading for entertainment value.
There is no need to use the word "myself" more than once in a sentence, much less dozens of times in your profile.
Don't refer to yourself in the third person. It's kinda creepy.
Do not answer the question "Have Kids?" with a "No" and then in one of the next three questions say something like, "My kids are the most important thing in my life," or "Being a dad is what I am most passionate about." I've got nothing against kids or men with kids, but lying so that your profile will show up to everyone kind of turns me off.

So now I must decide whether to cancel my subscription or continue the search for a mate online. Anyone out there with a success story to share? Or a cautionary tale?

Tri-umph

2010-02-23T09:19:00.006-05:00

Every February, I suffer from flashbacks. Most of them involve me, in my car, either lost or trapped in traffic, trying to wrap my head around the fact that I might, I probably or I definitely have cancer. Fortunately each year the memories, while no less vivid, are a little less painful. All of those flashbacks culminate in today, my third cancerversary.

February 23 is a day that I both celebrate and mourn. As my friend Marika recently wrote, her cancerversary left her feeling "a combination of pride, dread, sadness, happiness, and relief. Sound schizophrenic? Welcome to life as a cancer survivor." I'm actually having a little bit of trouble writing this post because Marika said it all so well!

To say I'm thrilled with my third cancerversary is an understatement of ginormous proportions. My life has grown and changed in the past two years in ways I could not have dreamed possible on that night in 2007. My life is full and rewarding and keeps me so busy that I fortunately don't have much time to think about cancer anymore. My health is the best it's been since my diagnosis and I feel that maybe, just maybe, three years out I am finally recovering from treatment. I've lost all but 4 pounds of the weight I gained from the steroids and the radiation. And that, and more, will soon be gone, too. The crushing fatigue from the tamoxifen is something that I deal with less and less.

And while three years is no guarantee, every day that passes without a recurrence increases the likelihood that there won't be one. I'm comfortable with the treatment decisions I've made. My doctor has steered me down the right path and it seems that each new decision we make is in quick order supported by research. At my last oncologist appointment, he suggested that I start taking aspirin to reduce the risk of blood clots, a risk that is increased by the tamoxifen. Just last week a study was released showing that aspirin may help reduce the risk of recurrence in breast cancer survivors. Similarly, shortly after I stopped taking the medicine that was supposed to help with the tamoxifen side effects, studies were released showing that it probably interfered with tamoxifen's effectiveness. I don't know if he has some super secret crystal ball into the research or what, but he's got my confidence. I've even come to accept the fact that I still have two and half more years to take tamoxifen. I might not like how it makes me feel, but being alive and sometimes feeling crappy is definitely better than the alternative.

Now that the occasion has been duly noted, I'll go back to being too busy to think about cancer, at least until the next pink postcard arrives for a scan or some other checkup, and celebrate my life by living it!

Betting on Evens

2010-01-24T16:00:00.001-05:00

2010 is off to a good start. But I kinda had a feeling this would be a good year. It seems like the past few even years have been good ones; '06 was unremarkable, but positive and '08 was a banner year with a new job, new house and a new lease on life. The odds, well, they've kinda stunk. '07 rocked my world with cancer and all of the fun that brought with it. Jackson's arrival into the world is really '07's only redeeming quality. '09 just couldn't compete with '08. But 2010 is going to be a good year. How do I know?

Well, I found out this week that I got a promotion at work. Yay for me!

2010 is also the year of the wedding. The great wedding tour of 2010 kicked off last weekend with a trip to California to shop for dresses for Jill's wedding. Kind of like the preseason. Regular season starts in April, with a trip to Charleston, SC for Anne & Mike's wedding. That'll be followed by a stop in New Orleans in June for Julie & Matthew's wedding. The tour comes to an end in Charlottesville in September for Jill & Fred's wedding.

April will also bring the arrival of Jackson's little sister. I just hope she doesn't make her first appearance while I'm in Charleston!

And that's just all of the good stuff I know is coming for this year. I hope that 2010 has lots of other pleasant surprises in store!

No Fine Print Required

2010-01-09T16:53:00.001-05:00

Got my tumor marker scores back this week and they were within the normal range, so I can cross that off the list of things I worry about for another six months.

I've been getting a lot of requests lately, so I thought I'd just go ahead and put it out there on the blog. I do not receive, or accept, any compensation for anything I write on the blog. I do not accept paid advertising on the blog. If I mention a product, or a doctor, by name, you the reader can trust that it is because I genuinely believe in it. I have no issue with those that do place advertising or review products for compensation, but that's not what this blog is about.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

2010-01-04T20:22:00.000-05:00

Nothing like kicking off the new year with with a visit to the oncologist to bring you back to reality. Everything checked out okay during my exam and I should get my tumor marker scores back later this week. The hardest part of today's visit was the blood draw. I normally have my gallon of blood drawn in the back lab, but since my appointment was over lunch, I had to go to the chemo room to have a nurse do the draw. The chemo room is not a place I ever enjoyed being, and it is certainly not a place I enjoy visiting. Just the smell of heparin was enough to give me flashbacks and make me sick to my stomach. Fortunately, the nurse was quick about it; I think the shade of green I had turned provided her with plenty of incentive.

We talked about the life-saving drug I love to hate, tamoxifen. I'd taken a little break for the past few weeks of December, but now it is time to start taking it again. A little under three more years to go. I asked his opinion on tamoxifen's impact on my ability, or inability, to lose weight. He said that he does think people have a harder time losing weight after cancer than before, but he's not sure if it is the tamoxifen or "all the other s*#t we pump into your body." It's reassuring to know I'm not alone in the difficulty I'm having shedding the post-cancer pounds.

We also talked about soy and whether or not it is something I should avoid or could safely incorporate it into my diet. Previously he's taken the avoid position, but there is a new study that says it may have some benefit for breast cancer patients. Because I'm trying to lose weight, he's okay with me incorporating small amounts of soy in my diet. His thinking is that I get a greater reduction in risk by being at a healthy weight than the small amount of risk that eating a little soy might introduce. He also asked how much I'm working and if I'm under any stress. When the answer was, "A lot and yes," he said that stress could play a huge part in hanging on to extra weight so to try to work on my stress. Like sitting in an oncologist's office isn't stressful. Easier said than done.

I'm not terribly concerned about my tumor marker scores, but I know that will change as the week goes on. I'll update again once I get my scores back. Otherwise, I have my next checkup with him in six months. I have checkups with the other docs in the meantime, but nothing scheduled yet.

Now, Just Be Good For the Next 365 Days, And We'll Do It Again

2009-12-26T12:10:00.002-05:00

Santa was very good to us this year, as always. It was very cool to have four generations of Northerns under the roof for Christmas and to see generations one and four enjoy playing together, even if Jack can run a little faster than Great Grandaddy.

Warning: What you are about to see is a really cute kid with a lot of toys.

"Jack, what happened to the train?"

"I don't know"

Favorite item from the stocking: Chapstick

He looks like Jackson, but he's sitting still.

Finally. A doctor in the family.

Cool. Cars that crash!

Favorite gift (kiddie camera) capturing a rare moment of sharing as Dad is allowed to play with Buzz Lightyear and the dumptruck.

Starting 'em young. Hopefully we've got the next Tiger Woods on our hands. Except, you know, without all of the womanizing and infidelity.

Taunting Great Grandaddy. "You can't catch me. I'm the Gingerbread Man!"

Who needs toys when you've got a cardboard box?

Let's Talk Turkey

2009-11-29T18:07:00.002-05:00

Somewhere along the way, I offered to host Thanksgiving at my house and cook a turkey for the first time. Right up to the evening before, things were going well. The table was set, the turkey was thawing and I was making pies. Then the time came to put the pie in the oven and I noticed that there was no heat. Despite all of my best attempts at button pushing, cursing and a little crying, I could not get it to light. I'll admit panic set in. But everyone pitched in to help make Thanksgiving dinner a success. Dad helped troubleshoot the oven by asking helpful questions like, "Have you ever used it before?" After I had practically crawled into the oven to take the bottom out, Josh crawled under it and somehow convinced the ignitor to ignite. Mom and Kris helped with the sides. And Jackson kept everyone in line. He also said the best Thanksgiving blessing I've ever heard.

Here's Jackson checking out the turkey in the sink. I thought there was a picture of him helping Dad carve the turkey, but it must be on someone else's camera. He made sure that turkey was behaving at every step of the process.

My first turkey

The table set for dinner. I had set a place for Jackson that didn't involve china, linen or a knife, but he decided he wanted to sit at the head of the table and that he really needed a knife. I guess that's only fitting, since he really is the one in charge of this family. During dinner he reminded everyone that, "I am the big boss. You are the little boss."

The pie that broke the oven.

If you're still reading the blog the "traditional" way, you'll notice some changes to the way the comments work. I've been getting a lot of spam comments (well, I think they're spam. Some of them aren't in English, so I can't be sure) so now I will have to approve all comments before they publish to the blog. I'll approve anything that is relevant to the content of the blog, as long as it isn't a solicitation or inappropriate content.

Take Matters Into Your Own Hands

2009-11-17T20:15:00.000-05:00

Today the US Preventive Services Task Force released new guidelines recommending women start getting mammograms at age 50, rather than at 40 as previously recommended. They also recommend against the teaching of breast self exam (BSE). You can view their recommendations here, but the reasoning behind the BSE rec is that "For the teaching of BSE, there is moderate certainty that the harms outweigh the benefits." Yeah, I'm going to have to take issue with that.

I can promise you that I wouldn't be sitting here right now if it weren't for a self exam. I was 29 years old when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. That's 11 years, or 21 under the new guidelines, before I would have had my first mammogram; I wouldn't have lived to get that first mammogram if I hadn't found my tumor through self exam. These recommendations highlight the importance of knowing your own body, knowing your personal risk for breast cancer and contacting your doctor if you have any health concern.

A local news station recently aired a segment on how to properly conduct a self exam. This link will take you to a video that demonstrates the proper technique for conducting a self exam, something many women are never taught. (This video is not safe for work)

Please take the time to conduct monthly self breast exams and talk with your doctor about when the time is right for you to have a baseline mammogram.

No Points for Style or Difficulty

2009-10-25T19:09:00.000-04:00

This week my best friend will watch her mom start chemo. And while I don't know how hard it is to watch, I know how hard it is to do. In trying to prepare her for what her mom is about to go through, I've given her all of the details I thinks she needs to know. I've left some out; there are some you definitely don't need to know about ahead of time because the imagining can be almost as bad as the real thing. But I've put pretty much everything out there, from sitting in the bathtub and pulling out my hair by the handful to laying on the bathroom floor and actually hoping to vomit so the nausea would go away.

In some of our conversations, she's given me way more credit than I deserve for being a fighter. And while it's true that I did approach my battle with a certain degree of feistiness, that was just packaging. It doesn't matter if you do the whole cancer thing with a good attitude or not. What matters is that you do it.

I can admit (now) that I was going for some kind of Olympic gold medal in kicking cancer's butt. I missed four days of work for my surgery and four days of work during chemo. During radiation, after I'd been fighting for close to six months, I decided I deserved a mental health day. I threw a baby shower and a birthday party for my then-80-year old grandfather, got my gold belt in Tae Kwon Do and did all sorts of other things -- during treatment-- to prove that cancer couldn't hold me down. In the end, the only thing I got was exhausted. Nobody gave me a gold star on my chart. Because you don't get points for style or difficulty when fighting cancer. It's not the way you cross the finish line that matters, just that you do.

Honestly, the only thing that I would have changed about my cancer treatment was how I treated myself. I would have taken some more time off and not pushed myself so hard. I'd have taken a few more naps and let a few more people do things for me. This is my advice to anyone getting ready for treatment: take care of yourself, don't worry about what other people will think of you, take a nap, and give yourself a gold star, because you deserve it.

It Was A Junior Mint!

2009-10-14T13:31:00.002-04:00

Finally heard from the doctor, and it was just a Junior Mint. Well, she didn't say that's what it was, but she did say that it was NOT cancer, and that is all that really matters. Thanks so much for all of your thoughts and prayers! Now I need a nap.

Who Doesn't Like A Junior Mint?

2009-10-08T11:49:00.000-04:00

My life often resembles a sit-com, so I'm hoping that today's episode is Seinfeld's "The Junior Mints." There has been a small lump in my right breast for the past several months. I initially thought it was part of the expander port, because it was located right along the edge. But after my exchange surgery, it was still there. When I brought it to the attention of my plastic surgeon at my last appointment, she made the "Oh, that doesn't feel like something that is normal" face that I've seen before and then quickly caught herself making the face and said "It's probably just scar tissue. Let's wait a month and see what happens." Well, the month is up and this morning she took out two pea-sized chunks of me. They didn't look like Junior Mints, but I'm hoping that's what it will turn out to be. The pathology should be back by Wednesday of next week. Monday's holiday delays things a bit.

I've known for a month that this was going to happen today and I struggled about whether or not to write about it here. I decided not to for a couple of reasons. First, I was worrying enough for everyone, so I didn't want anyone else to. Second, I hate "the look." It's usually accompanied by "the question" and may or may not involve a head tilt. I don't like people to treat me like I'm sick and the pitying "How are you?" pushes me over the edge. But there are also a couple of reasons why I decided now would be a good time to break my silence. This blog is supposed to be about the whole journey, and if I'm hiding parts of that, then it's not an authentic portrayal of how bumpy a ride it actually is. And I thought now might actually be a good time to let people worry, if they could direct that worry in to prayers or chants or pleas to the universe. Please don't let this be cancer. Again.

October

2009-10-04T12:32:00.000-04:00

Just home from the grocery store, where I had my choice of pink soup, pink mops and pink bottled water, and trying to decide whether I'll be able to watch pink football games. I hate October. I've said it all before, so this year, I'll let share some other stories about the pinkwashing of October.

Boston Globe - Sick of Pink
Huffington Post- Brace Yourself for Pink Overload
Newsweek-The Human Condition

Secret Recipe

2009-09-27T16:08:00.000-04:00

This secret from today's PostSecret makes me sad and angry and speechless. And I do understand that the point of PostSecret is so people can get things off of their chest that they're ashamed to admit to another person. But this is part of my problem with the "commercialization" of breast cancer." That someone could think of a disease that will kill you as an easy way to a better body is just beyond me. I did shed a few pounds during chemo, but between the steriods and the chemically induced menopause, I've gained 25 pounds that would be much easier to lose if I weren't taking this drug designed to keep the cancer from coming back. And my boob job? They may look okay with clothes on, but no one will ever be fooled undressed. My incisions, if put end to end, would wrap all the way around my body. And they'll never provide nourishment to a child. So my advice is sign up for Weight Watchers, go to Victoria's Secret and count your lucky stars. That plan is much less likely to kill you and a hell of a lot cheaper.

A Call to Arms

2009-09-21T18:00:00.000-04:00

I've been remiss in my updates. It's nothing personal, I've just been so distraught over the beginning of UVA's football season that I can't think straight. Well, not really, but I have no good excuse for what I've been doing. I saw the doctor on Thursday and she pronounced me finally infection free. She also told me I could stop wearing the horrid strap that had been my companion during all waking hours as long as I continued to massage the implant to prevent the formation of scar tissue. Deal!

In three to six months, she'll do some "editing" to the scars. This will be in the office under a local and she'll primarily be focused on removing the holes that she had to put back in when the infection set in. There's also a little skin "bubble" that she'll take out then as well. In spite of these edits, I'm pretty pleased with how thing have turned out. The incisions are still red and angry, but I know that this will change with time. Heck, it's only been a month.

I go back on October 8 and I'll fill you in on that then.

In other news, I've hired a personal trainer. I realized that I have lost a lot of strength in my arms, mostly my right side, since the surgery. I have a really hard time vacuuming. I can pull it towards me okay, but the pushing it back out part of the motion is much harder than it should be. So tonight, I'll be meeting with the trainer at my gym and she'll set me up with a program designed to help get my arms back into shape and also help me drop the weight I've gained since treatment ended. If my arms are working tomorrow, I'll try to update you on the session.

I Not!

2009-09-08T21:05:00.000-04:00

Dad's favorite form of entertainment is antagonizing Jackson. He'll level some accusation which must sound horrible to Jackson's ears and Jackson will argue that he's not whatever he's just been accused of. It goes a little like this "Jack, you're a jibber jabber." "I Not, Bubba. I not jibber jabber jibber!" Over and over again. It is pretty cute.

But I know how Jack feels. I often want to shout "I Not!" whenever someone treats me like I'm somehow sick or weak or broken. It has pained me to have to ask my mom to vacuum my house or clean my bathroom this year when I couldn't do it. Thankfully, though, my family has waited for me to ask for help instead of treating me like I need it. I hate it when someone assumes I can't do something for myself.

In the past few weeks, I've been reliving a lot of my cancer experience to dredge up the information that is worth passing on to make the journey a little easier for someone that's going through it now. I wrote five pages of notes on how to get through chemo. But I also wrote several notes on how friends and family can actually help. I think the biggest thing, though, is not treating someone like they're sick. Cancer, and any other health issue, is frustrating enough without being made to feel weak.

Ooze Cruise

2009-08-27T19:02:00.000-04:00

Another visit to the doctor this morning and I escaped without the drain being put back in! She popped open the incision again and inserted another wick to keep it open and let it drain some more, so I'll remove that again tomorrow. I managed to drain so much after leaving the doctor that it seeped through the gauze, the outer bandage, the tape, my camisole and my shirt. Nice. There's still redness from the infection, but I have another week of this cycle of antibiotics. If at the end of that week, there's any redness left, I start another cycle.

She did share with me that any infection in my body could migrate and settle in the reconstruction, resulting in a whole heap of trouble. So, if I have to have dental work done, I have to go on antibiotics for prophylaxis. Any bacterial infection? Get it treated asap. I'm not real good about going to the doctor until I absolutely can't stand the pain any more, so that's something to work on, since the horror story she shared was about a woman whose abscessed tooth infection traveled to her implant.

Since I have a history of cancer, anytime they remove tissue from my body now it goes to pathology. There was some skin and other tissue removed during this past surgery, and it all came back clean! That's always good news.

I'll go back in two weeks for another check on how things are healing, unless the redness or drainage becomes an issue before then.

Contact Me

2009-08-26T20:28:00.000-04:00

I got a request for a way to contact me privately and ask questions that wouldn't be published in the comments section for everyone to see. I have added a "Contact Me" button just above my picture on the right. These messages will only be seen by me, so if you have something you'd like to say without posting it on the Internet, please send me a message using the form that pops up when you click the button. Thanks!

All Aboard the Crazy Drain!

2009-08-25T19:45:00.001-04:00

Had I not seen the doctor yesterday morning, I'm sure I would have been admitted to a hospital. Because I had completely lost my mind. By Sunday night I was convinced that the infection (that I had diagnosed myself) was so bad it would result in me being sent directly from the doctor's office to the hospital where they would have to remove the implant. Pain and days with no sleep can make a person crazy.

Fortunately that isn't how things went down. My doctor did remove the drains. I do have an infection, but on the side opposite the one I thought, so I got the super strong antibiotics that I'll take for the next ten days. Then she popped a couple of stitches and out rushed what seemed like a gallon of fluid. It seems that I was healing quite well and the tissue closed itself off on the inside, creating a pocket where the fluid that was being removed elsewhere by the drain was trapped. I immediately felt better; the reduction in pressure alone was a huge relief. She packed the wound so it would stay open and continue to drain. And it has been draining pretty well for the past 24 hours. As disgusting as this sounds, it's better out than in. I removed the packing today, so hopefully it won't close up. If the fluid builds up again, a drain will have to be reinserted. I go back on Thursday, so she'll decide then if it is draining sufficiently, or if the drain needs to go back in. I won't even care if it does. I'm so relieved that the pain has finally stopped and that I won't have to undo this surgery that if another drain is my only option, I'll take it.

I got my first glimpse of the incisions and while they are many and long, I think they look pretty good. They already look like they will heal to be very fine scars. She was able to cut out all of the scars from my previous surgeries, so I think things will look pretty good when all is said and done.

Reform School

2009-08-22T17:01:00.002-04:00

Here's a suggestion for health care reform: don't reimburse the hospital or doctor more for an item than they submit, just because an item could be reimbursed for more. The bills from my surgery are beginning to come in and I like to see how ridiculously expensive things are. There are two columns on the statement; "Charges Submitted" and "Charges at Our Agreed Prices." This second column is what generally makes its way in to the "Paid by Plan" column and theoretically, the first column is larger than the second. So when I noticed that there were entries where the second column was actually larger than the first, I paid more attention. I can't tell what the items are yet, but basically the hospital said something cost them $2300 and the insurance company said, here, take $2500 for your trouble. At my surgery in March, the hospital submitted a charge for $119 and the insurance company paid them $4229. Maybe in the end, this is how the hospital makes back the money it "loses" when the insurance company gives them $1500 for something that cost $4000 (yes, there are several of those on the bill, too). The whole thing just screams "racket."

I'm now about ten days out from surgery and I'm not sure what to feel or think. I felt great for the first few days. I was annoyed by the drains, but not in much pain. I was pleased with the way the foobs looked when the bandages came off. I even thought they were kind of cute. But the past couple of days I have been really sore. The incisions itch like crazy and hurt some, too. The drains have really got to go, but now I'm worried I might have an infection. Also, one foob seems to be growing (I hope it's swelling) and the other seems to be shrinking. I hope all of these things are "normal" and won't impact how the foobs will look in the long term. I have to wear any Ace bandage type strap around the top to keep things in place and that's wearing on my nerves, too. I haven't had a good night's sleep because I'm stuck on my back, so that only fuels the crankiness. I have an appointment Monday morning to get the drains out and see how she thinks things look. The steri-strips haven't come off yet, so I imagine she'll take them off on Monday, too. I'll let you know how it goes.

Quick Update

2009-08-14T06:35:00.002-04:00

Yesterday went pretty smoothly. The surgery took about three hours and once I was able to sit up and drink something, they let me go home. The pain this time is minimal and compared to surgery in March, I'm way ahead of where I was the first night. I do have two drains, but hopefully not for as long this time. I'm covered in dressings and wrapped in an Ace bandage, so I'm not sure yet what things look like. I can remove the dressings tomorrow to take a shower, so I'll be able to get a look then. I'm hoping to get a serious nap in today because I did not sleep any last night. I'm just not able to sleep on my back and I think the pain medicine only knocked me out for 45 minutes. I'm thinking I'll head down to the basement now and hang out in the recliner and try for some more sleep. Thanks for all of the good wishes!

I Need To Get Something Off My Chest

2009-08-12T20:05:00.002-04:00

I've been dreaming for five months about sleeping on my stomach, wearing v-neck shirts and not injuring myself every time I bump against the metal ports in the expanders. Tomorrow will bring me within reach of all of these lofty goals. I report to the hospital at 10:30 am tomorrow and surgery kicks off at noon and should take about three hours. Hopefully by 6:00 pm I'll be able to eat something; I have no doubt I'll be starving by then.

I really hope this surgery is going to be as easy-breezy as I think, but then I always seem to underestimate the toll it will take on my body. Even though the doctor told me she would probably put in drains again, I hold out hope that she won't see the need once she's in there. A girl's gotta have dreams.

I'll post when I'm home and let you know how it went!

Gross Anatomy

2009-08-06T20:28:00.002-04:00

I'm kind of a geek. I think it's fascinating the things that can be done to the body and the tools they have to make these things possible. For example, I have a "dermal matrix" that was inserted during my mastectomy to strengthen the pocket for reconstruction. A dermal matrix is basically cadaver tissue that has been stripped down to the basic cell level and when inserted, becomes integrated with the recipient's own tissue to strengthen it. So, yeah, I have dead people tissue inside of me.

The geek in me was fascinated when I came across the links to these videos. One shows a nipple-sparring mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. The other shows a patient who is having a tissue expander placement years after a mastectomy. While not identical to the surgeries that I've had, they're pretty similar. My mastectomy removed the entire breast and some of the skin, including the areola complex which is preserved in this video. This video also shows a sentinel node biopsy, which I had in my very first surgery two years ago. I did have tissue expanders, but they were placed immediately following my mastectomy, not in a separate surgery at a later date. It's probably good that I didn't see these videos before I had my surgery, but now I understand why it hurt so damn much.

These videos are pretty interesting (if a little long), but if you get grossed out easily or don't do well with blood, they probably aren't for you.
Breast Reconstruction with Tissue Expansion
Nipple Sparing Mastectomy with Immediate Reconstruction

Beach Baby

2009-08-03T20:04:00.002-04:00

Click here to view these pictures larger

All good things must come to an end. I got home yesterday from a week at the beach with my family. There's really not much that beats sitting on the beach with a good book (I read four last week), taking a nap in the afternoon and eating good seafood. I was so relaxed that I didn't even put my watch on most days. Jackson had a blast playing in the ocean and sand, but I think his favorite beach activity was taking a shower outside. I'm jealous that he and Kris get to spend another week with my parents at the beach while I go back to work. A couple of pics from the trip, above.

Making Mountains Out Of Molehills

2009-07-23T19:10:00.002-04:00

This morning I had my pre-op appointment for my exchange surgery. I think the real purpose of the appointment was to have me sign 42 pieces of paper saying I accept the risk of surgery and won't sue if they accidentally amputate my foot. I did all of that, got some prescriptions to fill before surgery and talked to the doctor about what I want to look like.

I've decided to go with silicone implants. To me, they feel softer and more like a real breast than saline. I have saline expanders, and I'm tired of how hard they are. The concerns that lead the FDA to pull them from the market years ago are no longer an issue and there is no evidence linking silicone implants to any disease. The new silicone implants are what they call "cohesive gel." This means that if there is a rupture in the implant, the silicone will stay together and not leak out in to the body. Think about biting the head off of a gummy bear -- his guts don't come out. That is the same quality/texture used in these implants.

I'm also going to have round implants instead of the tear drop shaped, or anatomical, ones. My plastic surgeon says she has had better luck with these. Sometimes the tear drop ones move, and if they rotate, you could wind up with a funny looking reconstruction. Mine will be what they call "moderate profile" and will be either the same size or smaller than the expanders I currently have. She will take multiple sets of implants into the operating room and decide what looks and fits best on the table. I've been very impressed with my plastic surgeon so far and have complete confidence that she'll do a good job.

This procedure will be done outpatient and should be less painful than the last surgery. I wonder how much less painful, though, since I left with a prescription for painkillers. I had heard from many people that I wouldn't have a drain this time and the doctor said they don't normally use them for this procedure, but since I had such a problem with seromas after the last surgery, I will most likely wake up with a drain on each side. I'm not thrilled by this, but I also don't want to go through all of the drama that followed the last surgery. I have two sets of scars from drains on each side, each set looking like I was bit by a three-toothed vampire.

The only other cancer news is hardly even note-worthy. My latest tumor marker scores came back in the normal range. Woohoo! I never really worry about this test until the day I have it, then I spend the next week waiting for the results to come back and obsessing over the what-ifs. The few hours between when I call for the results and when the nurse calls back are always the worst. Yesterday was no exception; after the first person I spoke to told me she couldn't give me that information over the phone, my imagination went crazy for a few hours until I got the normal score.

With that piece of good news, I'm off to the beach. Back in just over a week!

Every 3 Months or 30,000 Miles

2009-07-15T21:39:00.003-04:00

Just like your car needs regular service, I need to be seen by the oncologist every few months to make sure that all of my systems are still functioning properly. Today I had my checkup (which will now by every six months) and everything checked out OK. I provided the necessary four vials of blood and will get my tumor markers back next week. I've changed my mind about nine times since my appointment about whether I will actually call and get the results next week or wait until I get back from the beach. On one hand, if they're up for some reason, I'd hate to ruin my vacation agonizing about that, but on the other hand, the not knowing may be just as disruptive to a good vacation. Knowing myself, I imagine I'll cave and get the results before I leave.

The only other big news for today was that I was given a new prescription for Tamoxifen, my favorite of all potentially life-saving medicines. The only reason that this is noteworthy is because a new Rx means that I have almost completed the previous one and they're each good for a year. I'm almost done with year two of this stuff! That's two years of fatigue, hot flashes and joint aches behind me. Only three more to go!

I also now have a date for my exchange surgery to complete my reconstruction. This will take place on August 13 and will be an outpatient procedure. It's supposed to be a much easier recovery than the last one, so here's hoping. In interesting Melissa surgery trivia, I believe all four of my surgeries have been scheduled on the 13th of the month, with at least one of those being a Friday the 13th. I'll go next week to meet with the plastic surgeon one last time before surgery and make sure we have the same vision for the final product.

Terrible Twos

2009-06-28T19:13:00.003-04:00

They're heeere! Jackson turned two today and we celebrated yesterday with a Curious George-themed party. Mimi & Bubba bought him his first trike. It was such a hit that he let his mom open the rest of his presents while he sat on the bike and honked the horn.

Prime Rib

2009-06-25T12:58:00.002-04:00

Earlier in the week I had emailed my surgeon, hoping she might have some thoughts on the pain in my ribs. She agreed that she didn't think it was a muscle spasm and thought it might be an inflammation in the cartilage of my ribs, but wanted to see me just to make sure. She was going to take some of the saline out of the expanders to ease the tension in case it was a muscle spasm, but when I got there this morning, she took one look at me and where the pain is and decided they aren't related. She thinks it's probably inflammation, so she prescribed some super-strong anti-inflammatory and sent me on my way. That should have me feeling better in about three days. Here's hoping this does the trick!

There's A Reason They Call It Practicing Medicine

2009-06-20T12:37:00.003-04:00

Well, I don't have pneumonia or a broken rib. But that's about all I know. The doctor basically said he doesn't know what's wrong with me. It might "just be a muscle spasm." He said this in pretty much the same breath that he told me that he has other patients who have pain without a real explanation and basically I'd just have to learn to suck it up. I'm going to get in touch with my surgeon this week because if it's a muscle spasm (which I'm having a really hard time believing) and it is caused by the tissue expander, then I'm sure she's seen it before and can tell me what might help. The best advice I got from the doctor this morning was "Try heat and ice. One of those might help and one of them will probably make it worse, but I'm not sure which is which." If it still hurts in three weeks, then he'll order a CT scan.

Dem Bones, Dem Bones, Dem Dry Bones

2009-06-17T17:50:00.002-04:00

I wrongly assumed that after cancer I'd get a free pass on other bodily malfunctions. Not so much. In the dark hours of Monday morning, I woke up with a shooting pain in my right side. I've had all sorts of right side problems in the past, like kidney stones and ovarian cysts, so I figured it was one of those again and went back to sleep. Before lunch on Monday I decided that this pain was a little more than I could deal with on my own, so I made an appointment with the doctor for that afternoon.

He poked and prodded and found a spot on my bottom right rib that when touched sends me flying off the table. At this point, his list of possibles included a muscle spasm in my ribs, pneumonia, my gall bladder and maybe the kidney stone and the ovarian cyst, but not likely. I should have taken him up on the offer for x-rays or scans then, but in the hope that whatever it was would go away, I took the prescription for pain meds and made an appointment for today.

Today the pain is no better and he still doesn't have any idea what is wrong with me. We've ruled out kidney stone. I just had about six x-rays taken of my chest and ribs, but I don't know what they found because there wasn't a doctor there to look at them. I think pneumonia is at the top of his list, but I just don't understand how I could possible have pneumonia without so much as a cough. I'll go back to see him again on Saturday and if the x-rays don't show anything and it's not any better, he'll order a CT scan. I really thought I was through with the scanning period of my life, but I guess not. Here's hoping that whatever it is goes away!

Strawberry Fields Forever

2009-06-12T19:48:00.002-04:00

Somewhere in the tamoxifen-induced exhaustion haze I'm in, I decided that rather than trying to take a nap, I would make strawberry jam like my grandma used to make. I remember the last time we made strawberry jam together early in the summer that she passed away, and even though I have all of her hand-written recipes, I wished I had paid better attention (for so may reasons). It wouldn't have taken her three different utensils to figure out the best way to crush four pounds of strawberries. I know she would have done a better job of capping and cutting up the berries. And I'm sure it would taste better. I had about three jars of jam from that last batch we made together, and after she died, I rationed it out and moved it from house to house until I just couldn't make it go any further. I know it won't be the same, but I enjoyed revisiting the memory of her while I made the jam and I'll think of her every time I have some on my toast.

2009 Race for the Cure

2009-06-10T18:37:00.003-04:00

This weekend we participated in the Global Race for the Cure. Hoos for A Cure raised over $4,500. That's about $500 more than last year, and we had three fewer adults on our team this year. Congratulations team! Sorry I don't have more to say, but I'm hitting one of those tamoxifen fatigue walls and the only thing my brain can focus on is sleep. Hopefully once I get through this round of fatigue, I'll have more to tell you!

Full Stop

2009-05-29T14:48:00.003-04:00

This morning was my last fill! I've been getting two syringe's worth on each side during each fill, but today I only got one syringe on the right side. This brought the volume on the right side even with the left side. (Just because they have the same volume doesn't mean they look even remotely similar.) Next step is the exchange, but this won't happen until August to give the muscle time to get good and stretched to this volume.

In other news, I celebrated another birthday on Monday, bringing the grand total of birthdays to 32. When you've had cancer and are as clumsy as I am, it's actually an accomplishment to make it another year. And since my next activity for the afternoon is attempting to remove a wasp's nest from above my front door, I hope this won't be my last.

Only one more week to the Race for the Cure and Hoos for a A Cure is almost to goal. If you haven't already given, please consider making a donation! www.info-komen.org/goto/melnorth

Beach Blanket Bingo

2009-05-19T19:25:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow night I'm hopping on a plane and heading for the beach. Mom & Dad bought me the plane ticket for my birthday, and I honestly cannot think of a better gift. I'm looking forward to just vegging out for a couple of days and not having any responsibility greater than making sure Mom & Dad don't get lost.

No fill this week since I'll be at the beach, but I think it's good that I'm taking a break. I've been having weird muscle spasms, so clearly the pec muscle needs a break. I'm a little worried about the change in pressure during takeoff and landing; I've had some weird pain where my lymph nodes were removed just from the change in pressure driving over my little mountain. Could make for an interesting scene on the plane if I end up screaming in pain and frighten the other passengers.

Have a fantastic Memorial Day weekend!

Sleeping With The Enemy

2009-05-14T19:25:00.002-04:00

I sleep best on my stomach. I currently have what feels like two baseballs sown inside my chest, so this is next to impossible. I've tried every combination of pillows and cushions imaginable, I just can't make it work. So I struggle to fall asleep on my back and then at some point in the night, wake myself up in pain after I've rolled over on my stomach. I'll be quite pleased to get rid of these expanders and get a good night sleep!

I had another fill today. The left side is at the right size, so now it's being "over-expanded" to accommodate the swap. The right side is still slow-poking along, so I will need another fill or two to get it to the proper volume. Each fill is getting a little more uncomfortable than the one before, so I'm glad that I'm almost done with this part of the process.

When we were kids, we occasionally had this water-filled balloon-like toy that would turn inside out. I can't remember what it was called; Kris thinks it was a Wet Willy, I feel like it was called a hot dog or something like that, but I know it was orange. Anyway, I ran a little bit at the gym one night and I could feel it moving. It felt just like that toy. I was convinced that the left side had moved again and was worried that she might not be able to access the port, but luckily that wasn't the case. I asked today and she said it's okay if I run, so we'll see if it stays in place.

Alien Invasion

2009-05-07T19:01:00.002-04:00

I'm pretty sure an alien being has taken up residence in my chest and every week when I go to the doctor, she feeds it so it can grow. I got my expanders filled again yesterday and they feel more and more strange to me every time. My left expander has moved inside of me; it has a little metal port that she accesses to insert the saline and that port isn't where it was last week. The distance between the bruises from this week and last is about four inches. We just have to hope that it doesn't completely flip over, because if the port gets around on the back side, she won't be able to fill it any more. It's still moving though, I can feel it every time I take a step. It keeps the rhythm like it's got its own heartbeat. The right side continues to lag behind; partly because it has a little less fluid in it and partly because of the radiation damage to the tissue on that side.

The doctor predicts two more fills will be needed and this will stretch the muscle to bigger than I'll be once everything is finished. I have one fill scheduled for next week and then another the week of Memorial Day. Then, we'll schedule the exchange surgery for late July or early August. Since we're going to the beach at the end of July, and I can't have anything interfere with my beach time, I'll probably do this sometime in August.

I'm still having a hard time visualizing what the finished product will look like. Right now I have the pecs of a world-class body builder with absolutely no other muscle definition on my body. Sexy, I know.

Hoos For A Cure

2009-05-05T19:17:00.004-04:00

My younger sister, 28, just got her referral for the second mammogram. And it's my fault. None of that first mammogram at 40 stuff in this family. Did you know that the standard is that first degree family members of breast cancer survivors should start getting screened when they are ten years younger than the survivor was when diagnosed. So if I have a daughter, she'll have to start getting mammograms when she's 19. What were you doing when you were 19?

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we had a cure for cancer before my daughter turns 19? Nancy Brinker promised her dying sister, Susan G. Komen, that she would do everything in her power to end breast cancer forever. Today, Komen for the Cure is the world’s largest grassroots network of breast cancer survivors and activists fighting to save lives, empower people, ensure quality care for all and energize science to find the cures. Thanks to events like the Komen Race for the Cure® and the Breast Cancer 3-Days, the organization has invested more than $1.3 billion to fulfill its promise, becoming the largest source of nonprofit funds dedicated to the fight against breast cancer in the world.

I'm promising my sister that I'll do everything in my power to prevent her from having to walk the road I've been down, and that is why we'll be walking again this year in the Global Race for the Cure. Over the past two years, Hoos For A Cure has raised more than $7,500 for Komen for the Cure and this year our goal is an ambitious $5,000. Please help us meet this ambitious goal by making a donation in support of our team by visiting www.info-komen.org/goto/melnorth or by clicking on the pink donate button on the right.

Double Bubble

2009-04-29T17:26:00.002-04:00

I got my second expander fill this morning. She was again able to give me two syringes worth on each side, so I'm that much closer to being full. This week I can definitely tell that I'm growing. As I mentioned before, the expanders are really high, but with this fill they sort of grew together with the skin that was saved from my mastectomy.

I'm definitely more aware of my muscle stretching this week than I was last week. At one point during the injection on my radiated side, I winced a little because I could feel the muscle pulling and it was not a good feeling. She asked me if I wanted her to stop, but she was so close to finishing I just took a deep breath and kept on going. I will probably have to break down and take an ibuprofen this time.

According to my fancy expansion tracking spreadsheet, I'm 74% full on the left and 65% on the right. Based on the way things look now, I don't know if we'll need to go to 100%. The doctor also commented today that she thinks we're close on the left side, so now it's just about getting the right side to catch up. I have another fill scheduled for next Wednesday.

Apparently I was the favorite patient for the two girls I mentioned from last week's fill. In the breast plastic surgery area, they got to see me, a 70-something women with a breast reduction, and a woman with a breast augmentation that everyone thinks is a stripper. They were shocked that someone as "young and beautiful" as me could have cancer. If I see them again, I'll give them each 10 bucks for saying I'm beautiful.

Village of the Barefoot Trader

2009-04-23T19:21:00.006-04:00

When I was a kid, there was a place in the woods called Village of the Barefoot Trader. We'd visit it every summer while we were at the beach. My Uncle Wood would pretend to see an alligator in the swamp, and you'd usually hear some idiot telling his family ten minutes later that there were 'gators over there. The magic shop was my favorite, and my grandfather bought the same wallet from the same man every summer. In my life I have missed only one summer at the beach.

They bulldozed the Village many years ago, and in its place built a golf community, where my parents now have a home. Today wildfires have destroyed 69 homes in the Barefoot area and destroyed 15,000 acres. Right now, it appears that they have the fire under control in the neighborhood, but shifting winds are making the fire difficult to contain. Please say a little prayer that our place remains unharmed!

This used to be a house in our neighborhood:

A view of the fire last night:

Photos from the Myrtle Beach Sun News website.

Freedom!

2009-04-23T18:42:00.002-04:00

Big day. I finally got my drains removed this morning. I'm so glad to have them gone that I won't even complain that it hurt when she took them out. I've been wearing those stupid drains in my stupid purse for so long, that when I got in the car to leave the doctors office, I forgot to take my purse off like a normal human. So very, very glad to be free of the drains.

After the drains, I also got my first expansion. I've heard horror stories about what this feels like when the muscle is stretched, but right now I'm pleasantly surprised with the low level of discomfort. My expanders will hold 650 cc, I think, and she put 240 cc in the left one and 180 cc in the right one during surgery. Today I got another 120 cc on each side. That's two syringes full. Today will probably be the only time I can get that much, since it'll get more difficult (read: painful) the more it's stretched, so after today I'll probably only get one syringe-full on each side. She said she'd leave it up to me if I want to expand every week or every other week. Given the way I feel right now, I'm leaning toward every week, at least in the beginning.

What I didn't understand before today is that the expanders are placed much higher on your chest than your actual breasts. I thought they would be expanding in the location where my breasts would be once we get to the implants. Not so much. They're stretching the muscle to hold the implant, and apparently that needs to happen higher up on the chest. Imagine signing up for nose reconstruction, thinking that they were going to "grow" your new nose in the place where the old one had been, only to find out they were actually going to grow it in the middle of your forehead and then shift things around during the final surgery. Now that you have no nose, you're not really in a position to argue.

But the highlight of my day had to be traumatizing two high school students by exposing them to all of this medical drama. Today was "Bring Your Sons & Daughters To Work Day." I saw the two girls in the waiting room. When my doctor came in, she explained that while these two were not her children, she'd been asked to let them trail her for the day since they both want to be doctors and would I mind if they come in. I've been looked at by so many people at this point, that I really don't care. I imagine my chest is pretty shocking to the uninitiated, and there were some fairly large needles involved. The way these two were clinging to the back wall, I think I've cured them of their desire to be a doctor.

Give Me Down To There Hair

2009-04-21T19:42:00.004-04:00

It's been two years since I shaved my head. It seems like just yesterday I was practically pulling my hair to make it grow faster. I still can't pull it back in a knot like I did before it started falling out, but it's definitely no longer a cancer hair cut. I know I was doing the whole "X months of hair, X months of baby thing," but you can't pay my family to take a picture of anything but Jack these days, so I don't have any recent pics of me to show you. I do have an abundance of Jack pics, though.

Professional Driver on A Closed Course

2009-04-16T19:25:00.003-04:00

You might have detected the slightest hint of bitterness in my post last night. That was a byproduct of me coming to terms with a decision I did not want to have to make. I will not be going to get my drains removed tomorrow, as I had hoped. My doctor told me she would take them out if they stayed below 10 mL each night this week. They were below 10 when I saw her, but then she did some trick to clear the drains of any clogs. Lo and behold, I'm draining more. Sure, I could tell her I'm draining less than 10, but I do not want to have to be drained one more time and I certainly don't want to have the drains reinserted a third time, so I'd really only be punishing myself.

I should hope that no one will actually stab themselves with a screwdriver and insert a garden hose, so let me provide the disclaimer for yesterday's post as sarcasm and say, please don't try this at home! Anyway, those drains wouldn't actually work, so all you'd get for your trouble would be some nasty scars and an infection.

DIY: Drain It Yourself

2009-04-15T19:52:00.002-04:00

I've been getting a lot of questions about the drains. What are they exactly? Where are they? Do they hurt? So, I've decided to give you instructions to create your own drains from materials you have around the house and let you decide for yourself.

What you'll need:
A garden hose
2 gallon-sized zipper bags
A needle & thread
2 empty soda cans
A Phillips-head screwdriver

1. Take the screwdriver and stab yourself with it. To mimic the location of my drains, you would need to make these holes at the 4 o'clock position on the left, and the 8 o'clock position on the right, using the breast as the clock.
2. Insert the garden hose into the hole you've created with the screwdriver. Not big enough? Wiggle the screwdriver around until it is.
3. Cut the hose to a length approximately six inches from the floor. The specific measurement will vary depending on your height.
4. Take your screwdriver and poke a hole in the bottom of one of the soda cans. Insert the end of the hose into this hole.
5. Attach the freezer bag to the mouth of the can.
6. Using your needle and thread, stitch the garden hose to your side about an inch below the hole you created in your chest. Make sure that the stitch is below the point in the hose that it is attached to, so that it is always pulling slightly on your skin.
7. Repeat for the other side.

Now that you have created your drains, there are a couple of things you should know.

You must NOT allow the entry point to your body to get wet, lest infection set in and you die. Wrap yourself in plastic kitchen wrap before attempting to shower. Good luck with that, though, what with trying to hold up the drains and all. Now that you're wet, you can try to dry yourself off without getting the towel tangled up in the drains.

Don't forget to pick the drains up and take them with you when you move. Also make sure that one of them does not fall out of bed while you are sleeping (on your back since you now have giant tubes coming out of your sides). I also advise against stepping on them, getting a tube caught on something you are walking past, or just dropping one while you're walking around.

Just when you think you have had enough and surely nothing else is coming through your hose, you must "milk" the hose to clear any clots or blockages. This involves pinching the top of the hose with one hand while squeezing with the other and moving down the length of the tube to the can. Then stand back and be amazed as the level of drainage increases again, dooming you to another week of the drains.

Reality Bites

2009-04-14T17:14:00.002-04:00

What I wanted to happen today:
During a very quick visit to the doctor, she would look at my drains, comment briefly on how little I was draining and remove then. Then she would fill my expanders a little bit.

What actually happened today:
During a very quick visit to the doctor, she looked at my drains, commented on how well they were draining, and decided not to remove them until my next appointment ten days from now. After I almost fell off of the table in shock, she reconsidered and said if I consistently drained less than 10 mL on each side for the next three days, she would take them out on Friday. She did not fill my expanders and won't until the drains come out. At the very least, that will be next Thursday.

It's Not My Bag, Baby!

2009-04-07T20:19:00.003-04:00

So, I got my drains put back in today. And what fun that turned out to be. I had anticipated a quick, 30 minute max. type procedure, but that was my first mistake. The hospital couldn't find my paperwork when I got there, and that should have tipped me off that things wouldn't go according to my plan. Once they found the paper that said what I had told them three times, they didn't know what to do with me. I got put into the "overflow" procedure room. It was about the size of my bathroom and had to accommodate me on a stretcher, an ultrasound machine, the guy doing the drain insertion, some other completely worthless technician, and a doctor. No idea why the doctor was there as he brought nothing to the table.

Once all of these people were assembled in the closet, I mean, procedure room, they realized that they had none of the equipment necessary. So all three people had to leave the room for thirty minutes while they apparently drove to the Wal-Mart down the street to get what they needed. I lay on the table covered in ultrasound goo and a towel.

Once the three stooges got their act together, things went pretty smoothly. Needle stick, insert guide wire, insert drainage tube, suction off some fluid, screw in a drain. This is where the reality of the day took a serious departure from my vision. The drains I had post surgery are what is known as Jackson-Pratt drains. I didn't think they were small at the time, but they're about the size of a hand grenade and that's what they looked like. I'm sure you can find a picture online. But the package that was opened and attached to me was referred to as an "accordion" and is about the same size. I think they are actually colostomy bags. I said "Are you sure you don't have anything bigger you could use?" and the only response I got was to not be a smart ass to the guy with a big needle in my chest.

So, my plans for small drains that would be easily concealed and would allow me to still sleep on my side are down the drain. I emptied out a purse that I can wear across my body and have the drains in there, so I guess I'll be wearing my purse a lot. You can still kind of see the tubes full o'blood and stuff, but whatever. I just hope that the security guards at work don't think I'm hiding some sort of bomb.

I go to the doctor next Tuesday for what is supposed to be my first expansion, so hopefully she will take the drains out then. If not, I'm going to have to be put in a padded room because more than a week of this will surely drive me crazy.

Dwain the Bathtub, I'm Dwowning!

2009-04-02T20:21:00.002-04:00

Drains are going back in on Tuesday. They'll use an ultrasound guided technique to place the drains. It's my understanding that these drains will be smaller and hopefully more manageable than the ones I had immediately post-surgery, but I'm scared this will set me back as far as regaining range of motion. And I'll probably have to go back to sleeping on my back. As much as I hated the drains, I don't mind doing this because I'm just sick of dealing with it. I don't want the expansion/reconstruction process to have to be delayed because of the fluid, so hopefully this will help resolve things pretty quickly. I'll let you know how it goes!

Stupid Fluid

2009-03-30T19:26:00.002-04:00

Just back from the doctor where I once again had the fluid drained from the area around my incisions. It's been a week since the last draining session and I think there was as much fluid on the right side as before and less on the left side. I guess this is good news since this was one week's worth of accumulation and last time was just three days worth. The only bad news is the constant threat that the drains may go back in. I'm to call the doctor on Wednesday to give her a status and she'll see what she thinks. Unless the fluid stops, I don't see how I'm going to get away without the drains.

I went back to the office today and other than the fact that I'm completely exhausted, I made out fine. Driving wasn't too bad, I just have to remember to park where I can pull through instead of backing out because all of that turning is a little hard. I think everyone thought I was lazy because I always stopped to let whoever was with me open the door, but those doors got really heavy while I was gone!

Fluid Dynamics

2009-03-26T20:38:00.003-04:00

I saw the plastic surgeon this morning and she was very pleased with how everything is healing. There is still some fluid there, but much, much less than before. I will have it drained on Monday by the breast surgeon, but the drains do not have to go back in! She's pleased with how the incisions are healing, so she's either blind or much more visionary than I am. So, we're back on the "normal" track and I get my first fill on April 14.

Situation: Fluid

2009-03-25T11:42:00.002-04:00

Just a quick update on what's going on...After being drained on Monday, the amount of fluid that has reaccumulated is minimal. There is just a little bit of fluid on the right side, but the left side, which had much more fluid, is much better. I'm skipping the doctor today and will be looked at by the plastic surgeon in the morning. I just got off of the phone with the breast surgeon and she agrees with this plan. The breast surgeon was able to arrange it so that if necessary, the drains can be put in at Winchester, but right now it looks like it might not come to that. She might have to drain a little off one more time, but hopefully that will be the end of it! I just hope the plastic surgeon is on board with this plan tomorrow.

I took a little test drive last night. I backed the car straight out of the garage so I could get the trash can out for the trash man, then pulled the car straight back in. Putting the car into gear was really hard. And that didn't involve any turning. I'm hoping I'm just going to wake up one morning soon and have full use of my arms again. I almost had to call my sister last night to come down the street and open my medicine bottle. I can do simple things that only involve moving one muscle or moving along one plane, but anything beyond that, like pushing down and turning at the same time, is just too much for my wimpy little pecs.

Boob Tube

2009-03-23T19:27:00.002-04:00

Ok, I'm feeling a little less crazy than I was last night when I posted. I finally got in to see the doctor this afternoon about 5 pm. She drained about 1200-1500 ml of fluid out of each side. (To give you a point of reference, a can of soda has 350 ml of liquid in it.) I honestly lost track she had to empty the syringe so many times. I was only draining about 30 ml a day when I had the drains in. She also gave me a very sexy tube top to wear since compression will help with the fluid accumulation.

The other great news of the day is that the pathology report was back by the time of my visit and nothing suspicious was found in the tissue that was removed.

It is a huge understatement to say I feel better. I am so much more comfortable I don't even have the words to express it. The only downside is that I will probably have to be drained again since the fluid is likely to reaccumulate, and if that is the case, then the drains may go back in. She will call tomorrow to see if it is reaccumulating and we will make a determination about draining again on Wednesday. She has a friend that is a radiologist at the hospital out here, so she's going to contact her tonight to see if she could do the drain reinsertion, if that is necessary, to save me a trip back to NoVa. So, possible trip on Wednesday to be drained again. And the other doc, the one on vacation, feels like she's missing out on all of the fun, so I have to go see her on Thursday.

I had no feeling at all when all of this needle sticking and draining was going on. If I had closed my eyes, I would have had no idea what was happening. I find this most interesting since earlier in the day I was having phantom pain in a part that is very clearly no longer there. I know it is no longer there, but my brain sure knew that it was hurting! I've heard people talk about this when limbs are amputated, but I didn't know it applied to other parts as well.

Liquid Assets

2009-03-22T14:48:00.002-04:00

Who knew I'd be wishing they had left the drains in? By Friday evening, the skin around my incisions and under my arms was accumulating the fluid that would have gone into the drains had they still been there. This is even more uncomfortable than the drains were. I finally broke down and called the doctor just a few minutes ago. Of course she's on vacation. She said it would most likely have to be drained again and the drains will have to be reinserted, because it will just fill back up again. And this will all have to be done with ultrasound, because they can't risk puncturing the implant. So tomorrow, I'm going to try to get into see the other doctor first thing in the morning and then the two docs can talk and decide what to do. I thought this was going to be a straightforward operation. Why does everything have to be so complicated?

Drain-Oh!

2009-03-19T16:54:00.002-04:00

I've been feeling a little better and a little stronger each day this week. The drains on each side were the only thing that were still causing me pain and annoyance. I've been able to switch over to Aleve, only taking the Rx pain killers at night. I hate sleeping on my back, and that is exactly what I've been forced to do since the surgery.

I saw the plastic surgeon this afternoon for my follow-up visit and after a little hemming and hawing, she removed the drains. That didn't hurt nearly as much as I expected, though it did make a nice sucking sound as she pulled them out. She also removed the last bandages covering the incisions and seemed pleased with the way everything looks. I'm glad she's confident about it, because I don't see anything promising or reassuring when I look. Now that the drains are gone, a whole world of possibility is opened for me. I can take a shower tomorrow. (And I know others will be happy about this as well) I can try to sleep on my side tonight. And I can move my arms much more. I have some exercises I need to start doing to help get my range of motion back.

It'll be almost a month before I go back to see her again for my first expansion. This is mainly to give me a chance to fully heal, but also to give her a chance to go on vacation.

I'm still waiting to hear from the breast surgeon on the pathology. They will check everything they removed to make sure there was no cancer. No one expects to find any, but no one expected me to be diagnosed with cancer at 29, either. Hopefully I'll get that report in the next day or two. I'll keep you posted!

Daily Progress

2009-03-16T15:58:00.002-04:00

Hello! Thank you all for the calls and cards and plants and other well wishes. Knowing that you're pulling for me means a lot.

I think I'm getting a little bit stronger each day. Today I've done several things by myself that I hadn't been able to do, like brush my teeth and get out of bed. You don't realize how interconnected all of your muscle groups are until they cut a couple. Mom and I removed the bandages this morning and I think that has made it easier for me to move around. Hopefully the drains will be removed on Thursday because I think that will also help me move a little easier. I can't wait to be allowed to take a shower and do some of the other things we take for granted when we're in one piece.

I'll try to keep you posted on any progress.

A Really Good Patient

2009-03-15T10:20:00.004-04:00

I'm sitting next to Melissa as I type this. She arrived home from the hospital around 8 pm last night. It was a long, bumpy trip home, and Melissa felt every bump. She got a little more sleep last night than she did in the hospital. Unfortunately, the pain medication wears off every four hours, so she was awake that often seeking relief. Mom and Dad promised to faithfully come in and help her out each time she needed them, but she had a little trouble waking them up as they were also pretty tired from the whole ordeal. Maybe that's why Mom says she is a "really good patient."

Mel is still trying to catch up on some rest. She goes back to the doctor on Thursday to have the drains removed, which will hopefully give her some of her arm motion back. She's doing pretty well, all things considered, and appreciates all of your well wishes.

The Wheels on the Bus

2009-03-14T08:12:00.003-04:00

It's Kristen here with an update. Melissa came through her surgery yesterday smiling, well, kind of. At least that is what her surgeon said when she came out to tell us that everything had gone just as planned during the operation, which took four hours and twenty minutes. When we finally got to see Melissa around 7 pm last night, it wasn't exactly the beautiful, big-pearly white, Melissa smile I have grown to love. But, we did get a little bit of the Melissa sense of humor when she told us that she felt like a bus had run over her chest. Oh wait. She wasn't joking when she said that.

Obviously, Melissa was in a lot of pain, but she was figuring out quite quickly that she could press the magic button they had given her to get some relief. She told us that it hurt to take deep breaths and the muscles in her chest were really sore. She was actually moving her arms around quite a bit more than I expected. She was irritated by the compression hose on her legs and wanted them off, but was being patient since she didn't have enough use of her arms to rip them off herself.

It was a really long day for her. The surgery was supposed to start at 12 and it was 12:45 before one of the surgeons arrived at the hospital, making the day even longer for poor Mel, who hadn't had anything to eat or drink until 7 when she finally got to sip some water. She was considering a little snack when I left the hospital at 8 last night, but she was also ready to doze off. I don't know what kind of sleep she had last night because, honestly, I am hoping she was knocked out and I don't want to be the one to call and wake her from her hibernation. Mom spent the night with her last night and today, along with the doctors, they will decide if she stays another night or moves home with Mom and Dad.

I've known my sister a long time. And I've always known that she could kick butt (especially mine), thus I don't mess with her. But two things struck me last night as being typical Melissa. First, she was laid up in the hospital bed with all kinds of wires and hoses and gadgets (that is a technical term!) connected to her, and she wasn't complaining. She was focused and resolved to get through this and get her life back. Moreover, she was asking about my day and my son and concerned about me. When all eyes and hearts and prayers should have been turned to her, she was thinking about others. And I thought to myself, that is the Melissa I've always known. So the surgery may have changed her physically and set her back several weeks, but it didn't do anything to the spirit of Mel we love so much. Keep her in your prayers and I'll keep you posted.

Friday the 13th

2009-03-11T19:24:00.002-04:00

The big day is almost here. Friday I'll head to the hospital to get my murderous mammaries amputated, two years to the day from the first time I had surgery to remove the original cancer. I spent last weekend cleaning my house from top to bottom so I won't feel the need to clean when I get home. I got the necessary prescriptions filled and did a bunch of laundry. I've packed one bag to take to the hospital and one to take to Mom & Dad's house, where I'll go after the hospital. The hospital has called three times this week, twice under the guise of actual medical questions and once with no pretense, but all three calls made sure I knew that I better bring my co-pay with me to the hospital, or else.

I'm not really nervous. I think I know what I've gotten myself in to. And if not, there will be plenty of painkillers. Thank you for all of your good wishes and kind words. I really appreciate them! I've asked Kristen to post an update here Friday evening or Saturday to let you know how everything went and if I'm coherent enough, I may even update my status on Facebook.

It's A New Day

2009-02-23T06:49:00.002-05:00

Today marks a pretty big milestone in my cancer journey. I am officially a two year survivor! In many ways it seems as if much more time has passed than just two years, but it also seems like it's only been a couple of weeks. I've known this day was coming up, but unlike last year, I haven't obsessed about it all month, reliving all of the days that lead up to this one. I'm happy to be able to put another year under my belt.

I have all sorts of profound thoughts about cancer. I think it's made me wiser. It's made me less patient. It's made me happier. What, you say? Cancer made you happy? No. It made me downright miserable. But it taught me that I could either spend the rest of my life, however long that might be, just going along to get along, or I could take matters into my own hands and do what I needed to do to enjoy my life while I still have it. I think that's what I've done over the past year, and I am honestly happier than I can ever remember being as an adult.

I know this song is political, but it resonates with me right now. This is a new day.

Freaky Friday

2009-02-19T18:33:00.002-05:00

I take it as a sign that I've moved on from cancer that I have a hard time finding the time to post updates here! If you look back to the early days, there were times that I posted more than once a day. Not so much anymore.

I found out last Friday, the 13th, that my surgery is scheduled for Friday, March 13th. My friend Karole, born on Friday the 13th, says this is a lucky thing. I'll be having my surgery at the Inova hospital in Leesburg. My only experience with this hospital is Jackson's birth, and that was definitely a good one. I check in at 10:30 AM and am scheduled for surgery at noon. I think the surgery itself should take about three hours, but I've been told so many things I may have just made that up.

I go back to the plastic surgeon for my pre-op appointment next week, so I'll get some more details then.

Thankfully, I've been staying so busy that I haven't had time to come up with my usual list of things to worry about. Hopefully, that will continue. I have only two things that I'm worried about. I won't be able to eat or drink anything that day, and by noon I expect I'll be good and cranky. I also haven't been able to find out yet if all of the rooms at the hospital are private, or if I'll have a roommate. I'm convinced I'll be rooming with some crazy, loud, stinky snorer. Big problems, I know.

It's The Good Advice That You Just Didn't Take

2009-02-11T19:35:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting on my couch, entering hour number two of working after leaving work. I do this just about every night. I actually don't mind. I really love my job. I know I need a life.

One of the things I had to do tonight was fill out my mentor profile for my company's mentoring program, so a potential mentee could know more about me before they pick. Things like what my professional expertise is, what my market expertise is, etc. One of the areas I volunteered to be a mentor was "Work/Life Balance." Then I laughed out loud at myself. I hoping that can be a "Do as I say, not as I do," sort of thing.

One Word: Plastics

2009-02-06T20:59:00.003-05:00

It's been a busy week. On Tuesday, I met with a plastic surgeon to talk about reconstruction. She spent almost an hour talking with us about options, procedures, implants and just about anything else you can think of related to fake boobs. Or "foobs" as I'll probably refer to them from here out. I really liked her and she followed through on all of the promises she made during the appointment. She even had one of her former patients reach out to me to talk with me about the procedure and the practice. 98% of the work she does is breast, either reconstruction or elective reductions and augmentations. The other 2% is typical plastics stuff like botox and lipo, but that 2% is made up of people that she's done breast work for. So it's safe to say this is her specialty. She gave me a bunch of paper work to read that is designed to scare the crap out of you, explaining all of the possible complications. There is a possibility of scar tissue forming and constricting the implant, and the likelihood is increased because of radiation, but this is the only thing she seemed concerned about. I'll be given instructions on how to massage the foobs after surgery to reduce the formation of scar tissue.

This morning I had my last mammogram! It made me so mad to listen to two older women in the waiting area complaining about how much they hate mammograms. Ladies, it might not be fun, but it can save your life! Fortunately I didn't have to hang out with them too long since the technician came back to give me the all clear and release me from custody.

I've called both surgeons and told them to schedule surgery. I gave them pretty much the whole month of March to work with, so hopefully it'll be on the calendar soon. I'll keep you posted.

Bye, Bye, Boobie, Boobie, Bye, Bye!

2009-01-23T19:18:00.003-05:00

This morning I met with the breast surgeon to discuss the mastectomy. I think she was surprised when I told her why I was there, but said she completely supports my decision and my thinking and will do the surgery. Mom went with me for an extra set of ears.

Dr. C talked us through the various types of mastectomy and reconstruction. She would do the mastectomy portion of the surgery, and I will need to decide on a plastic surgeon to do the reconstruction. They would begin the reconstruction at the same time. I'll spare you all of the details of the different ways you can get rid of boobs, and the different ways they can make new ones, and just tell you what I'm going to do. And if that's too much for you, well, stop here.

I'm going to have a fairly traditional simple mastectomy, with the exception of the incision. Most surgeons place their incision either straight across the breast or diagonally and it is a couple of inches across. Dr C uses a circular incision which removes the nipple complex. It's closed using a "purse string" suture which pulls the skin back together and makes a much smaller scar. They will remove all of the tissue between the skin and the pectoral muscle. A tissue expander, which is basically an empty implant, will be placed behind the pectoral muscle during surgery and inflated a little bit. The expander will be filled maybe once every two or three weeks until the muscle stretches to the appropriate size to accommodate the permanent implant. It will likely take longer for my cancer side to stretch because of the radiation damage, so that will determine how long the process takes. Once we get to the right size, they will swap the expander for an implant in a much easier, outpatient surgery.

There are reconstruction types which use your own body tissue to create the new breast. Basically they take the fat from your stomach and make new boobs. So you get a tummy tuck. Most people don't have enough tissue to do this for two breasts. I'm glad she didn't look at me and say "Oh, you've got plenty of fat. You should consider this!"

As far as recovery, I'll spend one or two nights in the hospital. I'll have drains for about a week, and I already know I'm going to hate that. She said I'd need to be out of work for three weeks. My immediate question was completely out? or working from home out? She said I'd be able to work from home as long as I was managing the pain ok. Since they'll be cutting my pec muscles, it will take a few weeks before I'll feel able to drive and do anything else that involves a lot of arm movement.

Right now the next step is to pick a reconstructive surgeon. Dr. C took the action to check which doctors she has worked with and recommends takes my insurance. Once I get that information, I'll start checking out their work and trying to make a decision. She thinks it will take a couple of weeks to get this on the calendar (scheduling two surgeons simultaneously and coordinating an OR for several hours) but doesn't think it will be a problem to do the surgery this spring (March/April).

I also need to have a mammogram before surgery as a precaution. It would really stink to go through this and get the pathology back and find some cancer. She didn't feel anything in the exam, so there is no specific concern. But the good news is that this will be my last ever mammogram! On the slim chance that I have a recurrence down the road, it would be easier to detect since the muscle will be pushing that tissue against the skin and I should be able to feel anything with my hand.

Decisions, Decisions

2009-01-08T17:19:00.004-05:00

Today I had my every-three-months oncology checkup. And as a result of a decision I've made (more in a sec) I now only have to go every six months! This may not seem like that big of a deal, but when you start out seeing a doctor every three or four days, anytime you can put some distance between those visits is a huge milestone.

I had the normal blood work done and the part that they run in the office came back as normal while I was there. I can call Monday or Tuesday for my tumor marker scores. I have noticed some swelling in my arm/armpit on the cancer side, so I've been letting my imagination run wild there. He felt around and said he could feel the swelling but nothing discrete (no lump) so it wasn't really anything to worry about. I did have some lymph nodes removed with my original surgery, so in all likelihood it's just a very mild case of lymphedema from that. If it gets worse, there are things they can do, but we're no where close to that point. Other than that, everything looked good and I checked out as "normal." Or as close to normal as I'll ever get.

The big discussion was around the decision I referred to earlier. I have decided to have bilateral mastectomies. This was my original inclination when I was diagnosed, but everyone kept talking about "saving the breast" and I convinced myself that I was okay with that. I remember my surgeon telling me that if I ever changed my mind, we could always go back and do it later. Well, folks, I've changed my mind. One way or another, I want to have kids sometime this decade and I really don't want to have a child, get diagnosed with a recurrence or a new primary and then have to deal with the whole drama again. To me, it's much simpler to do what I can now to reduce my chances of that ever happening. I understand that this does not completely eliminate the possibility of breast cancer as they can never get every single breast cell, but for someone with my history, it does really reduce the chances.

Dr. S supports my decision. Medicine doesn't have a whole lot of experience dealing with women my age with this disease. The goal that Dr. S and I share is getting me to 80 or 90 or 100 and letting me die of something else. Since most patients are more than twice my age, there just isn't a lot of information about what happens 30 or 40 years later. Basically, there is a lot of time left for something to go screwy again. This decision eliminates a lot of the opportunity for that to happen.

When I was diagnosed, my singular focus was on odds of survival. And mastectomy and lumpectomy with radiation have roughly the same statistics. But now that I've got some distance on the situation, I worry less about surviving the original cancer and more about going through it again. Once in a lifetime is really more than enough.

So without boobs that need to be checked, I can move my visits from three months to six. I'm sure I'll make up for that in doctors visits to actually get them removed, but it still seems like a small victory.

I meet with my surgeon two weeks from tomorrow to actually begin discussions about doing this. There are still a lot of decisions to be made, so it's not something that's going to happen this month. But it will happen this year.

Christmas 2008

2008-12-28T21:02:00.002-05:00

I don't have very many pictures from Christmas this year, or at least very many that don't have a blur of motion where Jackson should be. He's much harder to photograph than he was last year 'cuz he never sits still. We had a wonderful Christmas at Mom & Dad's and Santa was very good to all of us. Along with an Elmo that never shuts up, Santa gave Jackson "Rody," the cool horse/donkey thing pictured below. He figured out right away how to bounce him around.
Despite all of the cool tools he got, Jackson preferred the everyday items we had around the house for entertainment, like measuring cups and the laundry basket.

This is how my belly felt after Christmas dinner, too, but I'm sure no one would have thought it was cute if I walked around like this.

I hope Santa was good to you and your family. Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!

Twelve Days of Christmas

2008-12-18T19:57:00.003-05:00

On the first day of Christmas, I decided I would be tamoxifen free!

I've decided to give myself an early Christmas gift. I'm taking a tamoxifen holiday for the rest of 2008. I think I actually hit the wall two days ago, but I was finally able to admit it to myself tonight. It's a busy time of year with holiday preparations and I'm working a lot, so I feel like twelve days off of tamox is the least I can do for myself. I want to be able to stay awake on Christmas Day to see Jackson enjoy it all. I'm tempted to make my oncologist see me so he can see how bad it gets, but I'd have to drive to Fairfax for that and since I've already made that voyage twice this week, I'll just whine some more when I go back in January.

So now I'm going to bed. It's 8:00. Mock if you will. Just don't call.

Olympics of the Mind, or Mental Midget

2008-12-07T14:41:00.003-05:00

I don't know whether or not to be proud of myself for solving the problem, or embarrassed that I created it in the first place. Where to begin...There was a spider web, complete with dead bug in the very top corner in my two-story foyer, and I'm having a little party next week, so I wanted the spider web gone. At the time, it seemed like an inspired idea to stand at the top of the stairs and throw balled up socks at the spider web in an attempt to knock it down. But my aim isn't all that great, so it took a lot of throws. I only stopped when one of the balls managed to land on the ledge of the window way up in the top of the foyer. So now I not only had a spider web, but a pair of argyle knee socks sitting on the ledge of the window. Probably no one would have even noticed the spider web, but you could seek the socks from outside on the street. Ughh.

After evaluating the reach of every broom and mop I own, I decided I was an idiot. Then I went upstairs to finally hang pictures and found my solution... a tape measure. Try to imagine fishing over your head, because that's what it felt like. I would just get the tape out far enough and it would collapse under its own weight. So I had to cast a little. I managed to knock the spider web down pretty easily, but my real goal was the ball of socks, which was slightly more elusive. I needed a little more weight on the end of my line, and something to grab the socks with, so I finally found some tape sticky enough and ran it up both sides of the tape measure. This finally caught the socks, and after scooting them along the edge three or four times, I was able to knock them off.

I've decided to blame my builder for this particular adventure; it couldn't possibly be my fault. How do they think you're going to clean the corners of these crazy high ceilings? I'm also glad I didn't manage to land the socks in the light hanging in the foyer. I already live in fear of some time in the future when the bulbs in it burn out. I'd have to sell the house, because I'd need a cherry picker to change them. I guess the new owners would have gotten a free pair of socks with purchase.

Even My Mailbox Is Full From All The Turkey

2008-11-30T16:01:00.002-05:00

If my mailbox is over its size limit, why does the system send me an email every hour to tell me this? How could that possibly help the situation? Do those emails eat the other emails in my box? Just relax and I'll delete something on Monday!

That's Entertainment

2008-11-25T19:18:00.002-05:00

I used to take the Metro all the time. But now that I live in the boonies, well, we don't have public transportation. So I had forgotten just how entertaining a good Metro ride could be. I'm not sure if you see the most interesting people in the middle of the day when most people are at work, or during rush hour when the train is packed. The middle of the day is better for laughing at tourists, and it's never hard to spot them. But rush hour is better for the supposedly "normal" people coming home from work.

I'm pretty sure there was a gremlin behind me at one point on my way home. That's what the growling sounded like, but I couldn't spot the source. One woman never broke eye contact with her reflection; I wanted to tell her that she wasn't really all that. One man was so lazy that he stepped onto an escalator that wasn't working, walked down about three steps, decided it was too much effort and climbed back to the top (against the rush hour stream) to get on an escalator that was working. An older woman with an injured foot almost beat a tourist dad with her cane after he forced his double-wide stroller over her leg.

It's like the best of America's Funniest Home Videos, combined with Overheard in the City. Really quite a deal for less than $5.

Ignorance Is Bliss

2008-11-17T20:57:00.003-05:00

Cancer has given me incredible abilities to rationalize the irrational. I know this disease can kill me. And even though I've spent more time contemplating my own death in the past two years than I did in the first thirty, I've somehow been able to convince myself that there was something different about the cancer of each person that has passed away while I haven't. The truth is that all these little tricks I've been playing on myself are a lie. Cancer is cancer and it'll kill you.

That harsh reality slapped me in the face last week when someone I knew passed away after her second battle with breast cancer. Leann was diagnosed about a year before I was. She was 38 when she passed away. When I got the email on Friday, it felt like the temperature in the room dropped 30 degrees. I know I just stared at the computer, pale-faced and teary-eyed, until I remembered where I was and pulled it together.

In some ways, learning of her passing was a relief; she was no longer suffering. It's the knowledge of what she went through that is so upsetting. Two years ago I had no real understanding of how cancer could ravage a body. It's something I could have lived my life happily not knowing. But I do now. And I have an active imagination.

So I'll go back to my little mind games, trying to convince myself of nonsensical reasons why my cancer won't come back and kill me while it's doing just that to others.

Jack Of All Trades

2008-11-09T19:38:00.002-05:00

I have a nasty cold and absolutely nothing interesting to say for myself lately, so I will entertain you with pictures of Jackson.

Hmm, who was I going to email?

I will push all of the buttons at once and then Lissy's computer will make funny sounds! I'm cute. I know it. Now give me candy.

I may be little, but I know how to tailgate!

Unsubscribe

2008-10-24T19:07:00.000-04:00

I have to admit I'm ashamed of myself lately. I'm proud to be that loud mouth that always tells you what she thinks, even if you don't want to hear it. But lately I've been keeping my mouth shut on something that's too important to remain silent on any longer.

We all have opinions, on everything from the election to the number of kids Brangelina have. And we are all entitled to those opinions. However, it is not ok, under the guise of expressing your political opinion, to engender hate or intolerance, of any kind. I've gotten too many forwarded emails from friends and family this election season that prey on people's fears about certain ethnic and religious groups. This kind of behavior isn’t ok. Ever.

I think about the kind of world I want Jackson, and his yet-to-be born cousins, to grow up in and this crap has no place in it. My kids will describe my friend “J” as the one that fixes the computer, “A” as the really tall one, and “L” as the one whose kids don’t eat cheese. They will not see the color of their skin, or who they sleep with or pray to, because I will not point it out to them. Words like Arab, gay, black, Jew have no place in my home. And they have no place in my email box.

I’m sorry that I haven’t spoken out about this sooner. I know that speaking up is the only way to ensure the world I want for them exists. So please do not forward these emails to me. Do yourself the favor of thinking carefully before you hit forward. Does the Bible really say that? (Not any Bible I can find) Is whatever claim this email makes actually true? (Probably not) If you’re not sure, check. I’m posting direct links to the Snopes.com pages for all of the John McCain and Barack Obama emails and rumors that are circulating. Check them out. Or just think, “Is it possible that someone will think I’m a racist/idiot/jerk if I send this?” If it’s possible the answer is yes, do us all a favor and hit delete. But if you feel it absolutely necessary to send it, please don’t send it to me.

Snopes.com- John McCain
Snopes.com - Barack Obama
*Snopes is a great site for all of those forwarded emails- you can check out everything from whether or not Coca-Cola used to contain cocaine to serial killers using recordings of a crying baby to lure victims. Bookmark it. Use it often.

Woohoo!

2008-10-21T18:13:00.001-04:00

I got a call from my doctor's office today and the bone scan was all clear. We still have to figure out the source of the pain, but at least it isn't cancer! Yippee!

The Hip Bone's Connected To The Crazy Bone

2008-10-20T14:36:00.002-04:00

I've entered the crazy, post-cancer arena known as "inscanity." My hip has been hurting for over a month. Oddly, the only time it doesn't hurt is when I'm walking or running. Standing, sitting, even lying down, though, are another story completely and ibuprofin and the like don't help a bit. I finally caved and called my primary care doctor last week and went in for a quick visit. He didn't seem to think anything major was wrong, but for my piece of mind, and at my request, he ordered a bone scan.

I had the bone scan this morning. I arrived at the hospital at 7:30, got an injection with the radioactive tracer that would be absorbed in my bones and highlight any trouble spots. I had to let the tracer circulate in my system for 3-4 hours, so I left the hospital and killed some time until 11. They did a scan of my head, which I'm sure proved to be completely empty, and then one of my whole body. I was trying to strain my eyeballs to see the monitor without actually moving my head, but I couldn't see anything. I asked the tech when I would hear something and he replied with a lot of words but not much information. Something about the results would be sent to my doctors electronically, but sometimes the mail was slow, so it could be 3-7 days. If I thought a second inquiry would have yielded more info I would have asked again, but I knew I would be wasting my breath.

Now I sit here glowing in the dark and I'm surprisingly calm as I wait. Maybe it's my confidence that this will be nothing. I honestly never thought I would be in this crazy mental space, but once you've had cancer, and you have a major pain that doesn't go away, there's really no way to keep your mind from going there. I do hope that I'll be able to find out what is wrong with my hip, mainly so we can stop the pain, but I honestly don't care what the cause of the pain is as long as it's not cancer. I would love to have arthritic hips at the ripe old age of 31.

I'm hopeful that I'll hear something from one of my doctors tomorrow, but sometimes the mail is slow, so I'll let you know when I do!

A Sad Commentary on Society, or Just Bad Spelling

2008-10-13T17:52:00.002-04:00

I saw this sign yesterday in a small shop:

The Beatings Will Continue Until Moral Improves

No wonder the employees looked so depressed. The owner can't even spell morale.

Rotten Tomatoes

2008-10-03T20:45:00.002-04:00

Jackson does not like ketchup.

The Pink Elephant In The Room

2008-09-28T13:58:00.003-04:00

I'm mad at myself for not being more prepared; prepared to be exploited by corporate America to market their products; prepared to be assaulted by pink crap on every aisle in the grocery store; prepared to buy a month's worth of groceries so I don't have to subject myself to the pink anymore.

When I walked into my grocery this morning, I was immediately greeted by giant pink, ribbon shaped balloons attached to special pink flower arrangements. The first aisle facing the produce section had been arranged to contain only products featuring the pink ribbon. Soup. Coffee. Toilet paper. There was a special display of pink mops on one end cap, and a display of pink hair products on the next. For some reason these make me the maddest, because, really, what good is a special pink rubber band to someone who has lost their hair to the very cancer that buying this product will help prevent. That's what you're supposed to believe, anyway. That by picking up the pink package, you're curing cancer.

If you want to buy one of these pink products, buy it because you want the product or you really like pink. But please don't buy it because you think it makes a difference. Read the small print about where the manufacturer says they are sending the proceeds. It should say which charity is receiving the money, and how much from every package is being donated.

Perhaps I should be more appreciative of the awareness all of this pink creates, but I think it has the opposite effect. People think, because of all of the pink, that breast cancer doesn't need more funding, or more research, or it's "just" breast cancer. If you're interested, there is a great website by Breast Cancer Action on the whole "pinkwashing" movement.

Okay, rant over for another year. But if I refuse to go to the grocery store and send you instead, at least you'll know why.

Well Said, Sister

2008-09-23T17:29:00.000-04:00

"I want to thank my parents for somehow raising me to have confidence that is disproportionate with my looks and abilities. Well done -- that is what all parents should do!"

Tina Fey

I know I didn't win an Emmy, but I feel the same way.

Ta Moxifen or Not Ta Moxifen?

2008-09-22T18:22:00.001-04:00

Don't ever make me mad right before I get in the car for a long drive. It gives me too much time to think of all of the things I want to say to you and come up with the perfect language to do it.

I've stewed for the past week over my last oncologist visit and everyone has urged me to get a second opinion. During today's car ride, I decided that my doctor deserved one more chance to redeem himself before I washed my hands of him and decided I would email him, as he had requested, to let him know how I was feeling. I also told him how disappointed I was by his eagerness to write off the whole situation to a few extra pounds.

His reply has me feeling better about my interaction with him, still frustrated with my situation, and questioning whether or not I will continue to take tamoxifen any longer. After apologizing for upsetting me, this is what he had to say:

Tamoxifen is a hard drug with a lot of side effects. These seem to be greater in very young patients. 31 is very young in cancer terms.
One of the biggest side effects they see from this drug is weight gain and the weight gain seems to exasperate the fatigue. This was the root of his comments about weight gain.
He'll go back and look at my tumor size and plug it into some magic computer program that will give him an exact number, but he thinks that tamoxifen reduces my chance of recurrence about 8-15%. I would not be the first person to stop taking the drug, but he'd rather I didn't.
There is a lot of new data that the drug he prescribed me last November to help with the side effects actually does more harm than good and makes the tamoxifen less effective. So now they stay away from the whole class altogether. The only good news here is that I stopped taking it shortly after I started because it had some crazy side effects for me.

He also gave me the link to a study written about patients just like me. While it doesn't offer any solutions, it's nice to know that I'm not alone in this. I was beginning to think I was crazy.

I was under the impression that the tamoxifen reduces my chance of recurrence by a much higher percentage, like 80% instead of 8%. The tricky part is knowing whether I need that 8%. If I stop taking it and recur, then there is no way to know if that would have happened if I hadn't stopped taking the medicine. Of course, I could continue to take it and also not recur, but then I'll never know if that was because of the drug, or if I wouldn't have recurred either way. This stuff is confusing.

For now, I am happy with his explanations and apologies and will probably hold off on seeing another doctor. The bigger decision is whether or not to keep taking the stupid tamoxifen.

Outdoor Adventures

2008-09-20T16:55:00.003-04:00

The patio is finally finished! We actually finished it last Saturday, but things have been so crazy this week that last night was the first night I made it outside before dark to take a picture. Here's the finished product.

Today I tagged along when Kristen and Josh took Jackson to Wilson's Wild Animal Park. It's

kind of like the exhibition hall at a county fair, except it's in the woods and they have a lion. Jackson loved seeing all of the animals, but especially enjoyed the ones he could feed like the deer, goats and llamas. I'm going to start charging people $6 to come feed the deer that live in my backyard.

Your Cheatin' Heart

2008-09-12T11:00:00.003-04:00

Thursday ended up being a crazy day. I had my quarterly oncologist appointment scheduled at 11:45. Since the crown my dentist was replacing had come in, he was going to fit me in at 10:45. (All of these doctors are 80 miles from where I live.) Well, the crown didn't fit, so the dentist started drilling and grinding on it to make it work. When it wouldn't, he had to redo the impression of my mouth. I had made a point of telling him about my onc appointment, but he was unable to get finished in time. So I pitched my first fit of the morning in his office and made him call the oncologist and get me another appointment that day. He did, but I now had three hours to kill.

When I finally got in to see the oncologist, I basically threw myself at his mercy. Here's our conversation, in a nutshell. "We need to talk about what the other options are to my taking this drug," I said. "There are none," he said. "There is another class of drugs, but it's for post menopausal women. I could make you post menopausal, but then you might never have kids and then the side effects would probably be even worse than what you're feeling now." Cue the tears. "I cannot do this for four more years. I cannot function." "You have no choice. But you could stand to lose a few pounds." Actually, in the middle of this conversation, he did mention a possible treatment for the side effects. He's mentioned it everytime I've brought it up for the past year. But he, for some reason he won't explain, doesn't want me to have it. I was so upset and ticked off when I left that I didn't realize I had put my shirt on backwards after the exam until I stopped for gas halfway home.

So I'm left with two options. Continue to take the drug, skipping one here and there in the hopes that it will help with the side effects, but at the same time reducing the efficacy. And most likely not helping with the side effects. Or stop taking the drug altogether and hope like hell that my cancer doesn't come back. To me, neither is an acceptable option when there is something that he can do, but won't.

My family wants me to see another oncologist for a second opinion and in my head I know this is the right thing to do. I kind of feel like this man saved my life, and going to see another doctor just feels like cheating. But mostly I'm just tired of cancer and don't want to feel sick anymore.

Labor Day

2008-09-01T18:28:00.007-04:00

Yesterday morning I had a perfectly good yard. But, no, that wasn't enough for me. I have to have a patio. First there was measuring and the driving of stakes. Then the fun really began with some digging. Then all that dirt had to be put in a wheelbarrow to be dumped down the hill.

After we'd had sucked all of the enjoyment from that, we took a trip to Home Depot where we encountered the world's dumbest man. And he picked us to "help." We loaded 15 bags of gravel and 25 bags of sand on our cart. Then we moved it from the cart to the back of the truck. Then we brought it all home where it had to be moved from the back of the truck to the back yard. After spreading it all over the yard, Dad decided we needed more. Mercifully, it was decided this would be tomorrow's activity. Thinking we would only need a couple more bags and that the tomorrow wouldn't be nearly as much fun, I decided that now would be the perfect time to start painting the living room so that the bookcases could be delivered this week. So I painted for a couple of hours.

Little did I know that Dad was thinking while I was painting. Thinking that we should rake up all of the sand we spread, buy 40 more bags of gravel, spread that, then spread the sand again. And so after another trip to Home Depot, (with all of the loading and unloading and moving of heavy bags that the first trip entailed) this is what we did. But we stopped short of spreading the sand back, because, well, we still need more gravel.

Today's highpoint, well, after all of the gravel unloading, came while I was raking sand. Dad, seated in the only shade in the yard and drinking a cold Coke, informed me that my raking was "not very precise" and "it's a good thing I don't have to make a living with a rake." Yes, it is a very good thing because I would probably be pretty poor. That's why I got all of that fancy education. It cost roughly the same amount as all of the sand and gravel I've bought in the past two days and wasn't nearly as much work.

Random Thoughts

2008-08-29T20:59:00.001-04:00

If I'm ever given two weeks to live, I'm going to Panera. That place moves so slowly that my two weeks will seem like an eternity.
I've had my car for almost two years and I'm pretty sure I just used the high beams for the first time this week. In NoVa, you never find yourself alone on a road, so there was no need.
Why don't doctor's offices, apartment complexes and other people who owe me money have to pay late fees or interest? They're eager to get my money, but not so excited to turn it back over.

Postcards From The Edge

2008-08-20T10:14:00.002-04:00

Every three months, like clockwork, I receive a postcard reminding me to schedule my check-up with the oncologist. I address these cards to myself whenever I'm in the office and then they send them out when they want to see me, so it's always a little creepy to receive them. A year ago, I eagerly awaited the arrival of the next postcard so that I could get confirmation that I'm ok. Now it just irritates me that I have to go to the doctor, again.

I spent my time in the car today rehearsing the speech I'm going to give the doctor the next time I see him. And I still have three weeks before my appointment, so I'm sure it will be quite a dozy by the time I get there. I still battle pretty severe fatigue from the tamoxifen and there doesn't seem to be enough caffeine or sleep in the world to cure it. Last time it got this bad, I stopped taking it for a month. I know that by doing that I'm only pushing the end date for this treatment out even further (four more years!) but it seems to be the only thing that makes it tolerable. If he can't offer something other than a cup of coffee to combat the fatigue, he's going to have to consider an alternative treatment.

BTW, I Hate Txting. THX.

2008-08-15T19:43:00.004-04:00

It's nothing personal, but please assume if you send me a text message that I'm not going to read it. I just don't like texting. Please don't attempt to make plans with me by text. I'm not going to do it. Please don't send me a text with news about important life events like the death of a loved on or a pending engagement. Can you really take my condolences, or congratulations, seriously when they're written in some bastardized short-hand of the English language anyway? Text messaging is on my list of things that should be banned, right next to iceberg lettuce and lazy people. If I could figure out how to block it from my phone, I would. But I cannot, so ignoring them is the next best thing.

Swimming Out of Cancer's Shadow

2008-08-11T18:41:00.004-04:00

Some time today, or tomorrow, or yesterday (the time difference and television editing gets me all screwed up) a member of the US Men's Swim Team will make history. I'm not talking about Michael Phelps, though I do love me some Michael Phelps. Eric Shanteau will be probably the first athlete to compete in the Olympics before or during cancer treatment. For those of you not familiar with the story, Shanteau was diagnosed with testicular cancer shortly before competing in the Olympic trials. Since making the team, his condition has been monitored very closely by his doctors. He has chosen to delay treatment, providing his condition doesn't change, until after the Olympics.

I can't even begin to put myself in his shoes. I was so eager to have surgery and get the cancer out of me that I partially based my choice in doctors on who could do the surgery first. But I didn't have to put my life's dream on hold. If I had spent my life training to compete against the world's best athletes in the Olympic games, I would probably be making the same decision Shanteau is.

He's already proven himself to be a disciplined and focused individual and those traits will certainly prove invaluable in the fight he's about to face. I'll definitely be watching and cheering for him. It makes me sad that someone else has to join this damned club, but I'm glad he's putting a face on cancer and showing the world that it doesn't have to be a death sentence.

Truth in Advertising?

2008-08-05T20:19:00.000-04:00

Am I the only one that thinks that advertising your new whole wheat crust pizza on a piece of plywood sends the wrong subliminal message?

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

2008-07-31T18:28:00.001-04:00

I'm learning a lot about myself since buying my house. Mostly that I'm more like both of my parents than I ever thought before. I've always known that I tend to be a lot like my dad in how I deal with things, but a quick look around the house tells me I've adopted neuroses from both sides.

The men on my dad's side of the family like to keep things in inventory; watches, lawnmowers, screwdrivers, you name it. Spare gutter parts, an extra towel bar, even an interesting piece of metal that might come in handy someday are already collecting dust in my garage. My inventory doesn't yet have the deepth and breadth of the items taking up space in my grandfather's basement, but if I don't get that tendency in check, I'll soon have a collection that would make Willie Habena proud.

We've always teased my mom about her inability to sit still and when I rented, I couldn't understand what she was possibly doing all of the time. Now I know. Either more dirt comes into the house now that I own it, or I actually care. NB: Black furniture shows dust like a black car shows dirt and red towels create a lot of red lint that shows up really well on white tile.

It could be worse. I could have inherited my grandfather's big ears.

Jack At The Beach

2008-07-21T20:14:00.006-04:00

I spent last week at the beach with my family, but as is often the case these days, there is only photographic evidence that Jackson was there. I didn't get much of a tan, but it is nice that, finally, my radiation burn isn't the only color I have.

Jackson in the pool with Granddaddy

First trip to the ocean Yum, sand. First taste of a hot Krispy Kreme donut
Feeding the ducks with Mimi. Well, Mimi was feeding the ducks. Jackson was feeding Jackson.

Life After Cancer

2008-07-07T18:44:00.002-04:00

I know that there have been a couple of new folks reading my blog over the past few weeks, and I know that some of them went all the way back to the first entry and started from the beginning. When I found out people were doing this, I honestly couldn't remember what I was writing about, so I forced myself to go back and reread everything I've written over the past 18 months. It wasn't fun.

At times I wondered who this person was, because she sounded a lot more confident about everything then I ever remember feeling. Maybe I was just delusional. I wonder if I actually believed chemo was going to be the breeze I made it sound like, or if I was putting on a brave face. And if so, was the brave face for you, or was I trying to convince myself?

Even though I thought the time would never come, I don't spend every moment thinking about cancer like I did a year ago. I still think about it at least once a day, but trust me, that's a lot less than before. And I think this distance has blurred the edges of the whole experience a little and colored the memory somewhat less painful than the actual experience seemed at the time. Only when I tell my story with all of the gory details, or force myself to read about it, do I remember how much my bones hurt after chemo or what my skin felt like during radiation. I'm glad that these details are something I have to remind myself of and not something that's always on my mind.

This spring, my life has changed, positively, in so many ways and I can see that there is life after cancer. Because I'm so enjoying living that life, my posting is going to become less frequent. I'll try to check in every week or so, and I'll still post pictures of Jackson since I know that's what you all want to see anyway, but I'm going to try to enjoy the little things like my mowing my lawn and spend less time in front of the computer. I really didn't know where this was headed when I sat down to write it, but I think the time has come to make the switch. It has meant so much to me to know you've all been out there reading and pulling for me; thank you. I'll try not to be a stranger.

Flora And Fauna

2008-07-02T20:07:00.003-04:00

My back yard drops off fairly quickly toward a creek. Occasionally debris from the construction going on next door blows down there, so when I walked by the back door today, I thought an appliance box or something had blown down. Then I did a double take and saw this:

She just stared at me for a long time and didn't startle at all as I walked out towards her.

I'm also trying to identify this giant wild flower/weed that I've noticed springing up along the road and down the bank. It looks kind of like a snap dragon, only it's giant. This particular one is as tall as I am. I'm sure these plants have always been around, I've just never noticed them before. Probably because I've never lived anywhere that was conducive to actual plant growth before.

If anyone knows what it is, I'd love to hear it!